Share your Jokes!

[Jackie]

Not a joke, but a funny story:

For Christmas in 2004 after I had just given birth to our daughter, Annika, my husband's former boss invited us all to his Christmas party (which was an annual event for us). I decided to stay at home with the baby and Britton and our then high school aged daughter went to the party together.

One of Britton's former co-workers approached him with "Did you and Jackie split up? Oh, man - that chick you're with is HOT!"

Britton was quick to basically call him an As$-hat as he explained that the "hot chick" was our daughter!!! (I would have loved to have been there to see the expressions)!

[Rob]

Britton was quick to basically call him an As$-hat

:lmao:

[ColoJeeper]

Ever walk into a room with some purpose in mind, only to completely forget what that purpose was?
Turns out, doors themselves are to blame for these strange memory lapses.
Psychologists at the University of Notre Dame have discovered that passing through a doorway triggers what's known as an 'event boundary' in the mind, separating one set of thoughts and memories from the next. Your brain files away the thoughts you had in the previous room and prepares a blank slate for the new locale.
Thank goodness for studies like this. It's not our age, it's that stupid door!

Did I already post this? :lmao:

[Rick]

Thank goodness for studies like this. It's not our age, it's that stupid door! I feel much better!!!:lmao:

[Funrover]

Whether you are for or against--Obama Care..the following is well done and funny:



The American Medical Association has weighed in on Obama's new health care package.

The Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

Meanwhile, Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring under a misconception, while the Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.

Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Pediatricians said, "Oh, grow up!"

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.

Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing and the Internists claimed it would indeed be a bitter pill to swallow.

The Plastic Surgeons opined that this proposal would "put a whole new face on the matter".

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and those lofty Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in Washington.

[Rick]

:lmao:

[Popsgarage]

I feel much better!!!

Same here!!!!!!!!!:lmao:

[Popsgarage]

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the assholes in Washington.

And here we are!

[CS79bronco]

A man and his friend were enjoying deer hunting season in rural Arkansas near a blacktop highway. As a huge buck walked by, the hunter carefully drew his bow and took careful aim. Before he could release his arrow, his friend pointed at a funeral procession passing on the road below their stand. The hunter slowly let off the pressure on his bow, took off his hat, bowed his head and closed his eyes in prayer. His friend was amazed. "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are the kindest man I have ever known." The hunter shrugged. "Yeah, well, we were married for 35 years."

[Rick]

:lmao:

[Popsgarage]

"Yeah, well, we were married for 35 years."

Now that's awesome!!!!!!!!!!:lmao:

[Brian]

I rear ended a car this morning...I tell you, it is going to be a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said "I am NOT Happy!"

So I said, "Well, which one ARE you then?"

That's how the fight started.

[Jackie]

Hahahaha!:lmao:

[Jim]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PUKMUZ4tlJg

[Shane]

That was funny still laughing!!!!!!

[Jim]

I must have a sick sense of humor - I heartily laughed!!!

[Popsgarage]

It's always fun to scare the livin' breathin' poop outa people, Jim. I laughed when I saw it the other day. Awesome.

[Hypoid]

I rear ended a car this morning...I tell you, it is going to be a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said "I am NOT Happy!"

So I said, "Well, which one ARE you then?"

That's how the fight started.Some days I wake up a little grumpy, some days I let him sleep. :)

[Brian]

Some days I wake up a little grumpy, some days I let him sleep. :)

hahaha:cool:

[Shane]

AMAZING SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES:


1. AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE
ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP.


2. AVOID ARGUMENTS WITH THE FEMALES ABOUT LIFTING THE TOILET SEAT BY
USING THE SINK.


3. FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS - SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED
FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS. REMEMBER
TO USE A TIMER.


4. A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU
FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE
BUTTON.


5. IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN
YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH.


6. YOU ONLY NEED TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT
DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES,
USE THE DUCT TAPE.


7. IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

[mattzj98]

LOL^ THIS GUY.... HAHA

[The StRanger]

.

[The StRanger]

Well that didnt work out well..

[The StRanger]

https://fbexternal-a.akamaihd.net/safe_image.php?d=AQA4cO4r6jROWSZZ&w=398&h=208&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.tickld.com%2Fcdn_image_articl e%2Fa_thumb_20140216191238.jpg&cfs=1

[Popsgarage]

Link no workie. Only showing the first and part of the second joke.

[The StRanger]

Ya Im still workin at it !

[Rick]

saw this on another site.....I thought it was funny.

[Squshiee1]

How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it!

[otisdog]

http://i5.photobucket.com/albums/y158/otisdog4/funny%20stuff/1235379_398970083558718_1892215852_n.jpg

[Rick]

:lmao: what every kid needs the 1st day

[Shane]

That's funny!!!!

[The StRanger]

TOO funny.

[Brian]

Three Rednecks were working on a cell phone tower; Cooter, Pete and K.C.

As they start their descent Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Pete says, "Well, I guess someone should go and tell his wife."

KC says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.

Pete says, "Where did you get that beer, KC?" "Cooter's wife gave it to me," KC replies.

"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?"

Well, not exactly", KC says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, You must be Cooter's widow'.” She said, "You must be mistaken, I'm not a widow.".... then I said "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are."

Rednecks are good at sensitive stuff. :D

[xaza]

This mom is driving through town when she decides to stop by, unannounced, at her son’s house. She knocks twice on the door then immediately walks in. She is stunned to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch with no clothes on. Soft music is playing, candles are lit, and the smell of perfume fills the room.
Instead of leaving immediately the mother-in- law asks “What are you doing?!”
“I’m waiting for Steve to come home from the gym,” the daughter-in- law explains.
“But you’re not wearing any clothes!” the mother-in-law exclaims.
“This is my love dress,” the daughter-in-law answers.
“Love dress? Your not wearing a dress!”
“Steve loves me and wants me to wear this dress. It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and can’t get enough of me!”
The mother-in-law decides it is getting a little awkward leaves, but she is inspired by what she has learned.
When the mother-in-law gets home, she undresses, showers, puts on her best perfume, dims the lights, puts on a romantic music, and lays on the couch, expectantly awaiting her husband to get home from Target. Finally, her husband comes home. He walks in and sees her lying there provocatively.
“What are you doing?” her husband asks.
“This is my love dress,” whispers the mother-in-law.
“Needs ironing,” he says. “What’s for lunch?
He never heard the gunshot.

[Rick]

:lmao:

[Tom]

.

[Hypoid]

Saw this on another board:

I was eating breakfast with my 10-year-old Granddaughter and I asked her, "What day is tomorrow?"

Without skipping a beat she said, "It's Presidents Day!"

She's smart, so I asked her "What does Presidents Day mean?" I was waiting for something about Obama, Bush, or Clinton, etc.

She replied, "Presidents Day is when the President steps out of the White House, and if he sees his shadow, we have another year of Bullshit."

You know, it hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose.

[Jackie]

BEST EVER!!!:lmao:

[Funrover]

Presidents day ROFLMAO!!!! Made my day!

[Brian]

You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your right side is a valley and on your left side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level. Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you. What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

Get your drunk ass off the Merry-Go-Round! :D

[The StRanger]

:lmao::lmao: LOL :lmao::lmao:

[otisdog]

I don't want no chiken!

http://i5.photobucket.com/albums/y158/otisdog4/funny%20stuff/11696013_10203828341663999_5436695353299240104_n.j pg

[mattzj98]

Lol!

[The StRanger]

.

[Brucker]

https://scontent-ord1-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpa1/v/t1.0-9/11054525_10207393699587193_1864113962339350555_n.j pg?oh=f7a54915d99ba7477f7c13afafbca861&oe=5636653B

[moose]

A guy walks into a convenience store, goes up to the counter and asks the clerk for two boxes of condoms. The clerk tosses them onto the counter and asks, "Paper or plastic?" To which the guy replies, "Oh no, she's not that ugly."

[MultiScuf]

1

[Brian]

I called my stockbroker today and asked him, "What are you buying" ?

His answer: “Canned goods and ammunition.”

Sounds about right to me.......

[Jackie]

Hmmm...

[Brucker]

An arresting officer was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman’s credibility…

Q: “Officer — did you see my client fleeing the scene?”
A: “No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.”

Q: “Officer — who provided this description?”
A: “The officer who responded to the scene.

Q: “A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?”
A: “Yes, sir. With my life.”

Q: “With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?”
A: “Yes sir, we do!”

Q: “And do you have a locker in the room?”
A: “Yes sir, I do.”

Q: “And do you have a lock on your locker?”
A: “Yes sir.”

Q: “Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same
officers?”
A: “You see, sir — we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.”

[Jim]

Bubba went to Alabama on a football scholarship. He was a good running back, but a poor student.

At graduation day, Bubba didn't have enough credits. But he was a great football star and the students held a rally and demanded the dean give him a diploma anyway. They were so insistent that the dean agreed if Bubba could answer one question correctly he would give him a diploma.

The one question test was held in the auditorium and the students packed the place. It was standing room only.

The dean was on the stage and told Bubba to come up. The dean had the diploma in his hand and said, "Bubba, if you can answer this question correctly I'll give you your diploma." Bubba said he was ready and the dean asked him the question. "Bubba," he said, "How much is three times seven?"

Bubba looked up at the ceiling and then down at his shoes, just pondering the question. The students began chanting, "Graduate him anyway! Graduate him anyway!"

Then Bubba held up his hand and the auditorium became silent. Bubba said, "I think I know the answer. Three times seven is twenty-one."

A hush fell over the auditorium...and then the Alabama students began another chant. "Give him another chance! Give him another chance!"

[coaz4x4]

Why doesn't Batman go to church?

Because Christian Bale.

[Chris]

One for FJ owners.

[Jackie]

Hey, now...!:)

[Brian]

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. 'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St Peter asked.

'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered. 'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, 'Now, back off or I'll kick the crap out of all of you!' St. Peter was impressed, 'When did this happen?'

'Couple of minutes ago.'

[Chris]

....

[Brucker]

I was trying to figure out what my parents did to kill boredom back before the internet was invented.

I even asked my 26 brothers and sisters, but no one knew the answer.

[Chris]

:lmao:

[Chris]

...

[Jim]

Youbetcha - if I lived down in the swamplands...

[Brucker]

https://scontent-sjc2-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-0/s526x395/13516735_10154233376709035_2437578269427286467_n.j pg?oh=41d74005de63dd389ee41d738aa3c541&oe=57CA07A9

[xaza]

Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump are in a bus that goes off a cliff, who survives? Answer, America

[Chris]

An old geezer, who had been a retired farmer for a long time, became very bored and decided to open a medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that said: Dr. Geezer’s clinic. “Get your treatment for $500, if not cured get back $1,000.”



Doctor “Young,” who was positive that this old geezer didn’t know anything about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get an easy $1,000.
So he went to Dr. Geezer’s clinic
This is what happened.
Dr. Young: “Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?”
Dr. Geezer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young’s mouth.”
Dr. Young: “Aagh! This is gasoline!”
Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your taste back. That will be $500.”
Dr. Young gets annoyed and leaves in a haste. He’s angry now, and spends the next few days trying to figure out a way to recover his money. He returns to Dr. Geezer’s office once he thinks of a clever plan…
Dr. Young: “I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything.”
Dr. Geezer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”
Dr. Young: “Oh no you don’t. That is Gasoline!”
Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your memory back. That will be $500.”
Dr. Young, after having lost $1000 total, leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.
Dr. Young: “My eyesight has become weak. I can hardly see!”
Dr. Geezer: “Well, I don’t have any medicine for that so… Here’s your $1000 back.”
Dr. Young: “But this is only $500…”
Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500.”
Moral of story — Just because you’re “Young” doesn’t mean that you can outsmart an old “Geezer “

[Jim]

http://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20170817/30c11dc827ecc4377c16a3a75279e183.jpg

[Jackie]

I think this guy is advertising his auto mechanic skills:
Saw it on Facebook Marketplace! https://www.facebook.com/marketplace/item/204156500124265

[ColoJeeper]

The neighbours have been complaining that my dogs are barking non-stop. I hate the electric zapping bark collars so I purchased a humane citronella collar, that way when the dogs barked, it shot out a blast of citronella under their nose and they don't like it. This particular morning I was getting the collars ready and filled them with their stuff. And that's where my morning should have ended. But no, it's me, and I begin to become curious as to how said collars work.
Now I'm standing on my back porch "barking" at my dog's collar. Nothing happens. I make sure it's turned on, check the fill level, and go through the "getting started" check list one more time. Again, I bark. Nothing happens. Now I'm not quite sure, why I had this next thought, but I did; I put on the collar. I seriously extended the band and fit the growl box against my throat and barked. Apparently, the collar only works if it feels vibrations, because I immediately received a blast of citronella to the face.
I began coughing, which only caused the collar to continue to squirt bug spray over and over into my nasal cavity.I'm now on my hands and knees in my back yard, trying to breathe, and to make matters worse, the dogs are now barking. So between coughing and yelling at the dogs to shut up, I've emptied over a dozen blasts of citronella to my face. During all of this ruckus, I'm trying to undo the clasp of the collar, which has somehow managed to weld shut during this whole fiasco.
I finally get the collar off and threw, yes I threw that crazy (inhumane) thing across the yard, and lay in the grass sucking in the cool morning air. In the middle of thinking this probably the dumbest thing I've done in a while, I hear laughter. MY NEIGHBOR SAW THE WHOLE THING! He was laughing so hard he couldn't breathe. Between gasps, he tells me,"I was gonna come help, but every time I started to climb over the fence, you'd set it off again and then I would started laughing and couldn't make it" So now, not only are my eyes red, but my face and ears are too. After checking to make sure I was ok,we parted ways and I went in to shower so I wouldn't be smelling like ode de' Tiki Torch.
So lesson learned: next time (yes, there will always be a next time with me) make sure that 1. Don't fill the collar before trying to set it off and B. Remember your neighbor is not a good source of help in a comedy crisis situation. On the plus side, I didn't have a mosquito problem for a few days!.....and now that even though this does sound like something I'd do I hate to break the news that it's a copied story that gave me a good chuckle so feel free to do the same.

[Jim]

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home...
Sergeant at Police Station: What is her height?
Husband: Gee, I'm not sure. ...A little over five-feet tall.
Sergeant: Weight?
Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.
Sergeant: Color of eyes?
Husband: Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.
Sergeant: Color of hair?
Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown now. I can't remember.
Sergeant: What was she wearing?
Husband: Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.
Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?
Husband: She went in my Jeep.
Sergeant: What kind of Jeep was it?

Husband: It's a 2010 Rubicon with Sprintex Supercharger with Intercooler, DiabloSport T-1000 Trinity Programmer, Teraflex Falcon 3.3 Shocks ,1350 RE Reel Drive Shafts, Method 105 Bead Locks, Toyo 37" X 13.5" Tires, Custom Olympic Off Road Front Bumper, Olympic Off Road Smuggler Rear Bumper with tire carrier, Seward Radius 4s LED Light, Seward 12" LED Light bar, 50" LED Light bar with, sPod LED switch pod with Boost gage,, Rigid LED Lights, 15# Power Tank, Rock Hard Cage, Rock Hard Under Armor, Posion Spyder Sliders, Posion Spyder Crusher Fenders, Posion Spyder Evap Armor, Posion Spyder Extreme Duty Trans-Mount Cross Member, Bushwacker rear armor, 5.13 Gears, Magnum 44 Front Axle, Off Road Evolution "C" Gussets, Cobra 75 CB Radio, Warn 10K on Front and 8K Winch on Rear, Bartact Seat Covers, Delta Quad Bar Xenon Headlamps,Tantrum LED Offroad Rock Lights, Teraflex HD Tie Rod, Teraflex Falcon Steering Stabilizer, Teraflex Alpine Long Control Arms Front & Rear, Teraflex 4" springs, Teraflex JK Performance Slotted Big Rotor Kit, TeraFlex Monster HD Forged Front Adjustable Trackbar, Teraflex Front & Rear Brake Line Kit, Teraflex Bump Stops Front & Rear, Surprise Straps, Hothead Headliner, Teraflex D-44 Diff Covers, Wild Boar Grille, Rigid Ridge Hood, Drake Hood Latch's & a Tuffy Security Drawer

At this point the husband started choking up. . .

Sergeant: Don't worry buddy. We'll find your Jeep.

[FINOCJ]

Haven't wrenched on the jeep in at least week - just been driving it and nothing serious seems to need attention...don't really know what to do when I get home these days.

https://www.beamingpix.com/images/2018/05/16/FB_IMG_1526473565660.jpg

[Spieg]

Had to share this...

[FINOCJ]

While driving my CJ5 with the top off, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and rolled into a ditch. I was going pretty slow so when I got ejected, I severely banged my head but otherwise in ok condition. I know we should always ware seatbelts, but sometimes get lazy.

Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new Rubicon pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?

"I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.

She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.”

“That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!”

“Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly.”

Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."

We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."

“Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?”

“Still in the ditch with the Jeep, I guess.”

[cnstaco]

Thought this was funny

[FINOCJ]

For jeep owners....

[Tom]

Made me laugh out loud James. Thank you!

[Jim]

And this guy and his jeep are what my mind rolls to (classic windshield down, no roll bar):


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VmglZj6nUf4

[Jackie]

NEIL DIAMOND: touching hands
CDC: no don’t touch hands
NEIL DIAMOND: reaching out
CDC: please avoid that
NEIL DIAMOND: TOUCHING YOU-
CDC: everyone is Boston is doomed

STING: Don't stand
Don't stand so
Don't stand so close to me
CDC: Now you're talkin
STING: Every breath you take, every step you make...
CDC: Yes, we will be watching you.

Proclaimers:
But I would walk 500 miles
and I would walk 500 more
just to be the man who walks a thousand miles
to fall down at your door
CDC: Please quarantine in place

MC Hammer: You can't touch this
CDC: Not without proper sterilization and washing hands
JIM MORRISON: COME ON, COME ON, COME ON NOW TOUCH ME, BABY!
CDC: That is not advised.

JIM MORRISON: CAN'T YOU SEE THAT I AM NOT AFRAID?
CDC: Immaterial.
Phil Collins: Shes seems to have an invisible touch
CDC: get her into quarantine immediately!

Pink Floyd: HEY YOU
CDC: oh hell
Pink Floyd: out there on your own
CDC: ok, self quarantined, not so bad
Pink Floyd: sitting naked by the phone WOULD YOU TOUCH ME
CDC: god damnit

EXILE: I want to kiss you all over
CDC: Absolutely not.
EXILE: and over again.
CDC: GOTTDAMNIT!!

Alanis: Cause I got one hand in my pocket.
CDC: Make sure it's sanitized.
Alanis: And the other one is giving a high five.
CDC: That's it. I quit!

MILEY: "It's a Party in the USA!"
CDC: "You really should avoid large gatherings."
MILEY: "My tummy's turnin' and I'm feelin' kinda home sick!"
CDC: "See! What did I tell you?"
Bon Jovi: You're love is like bad medicine.

CDC: We're actually still finding the cure.
Bon Jovi: Bad medicine is what I need.
CDC: It most certainly is not.

BEATLES: Yeah you, got that something, I think you'll understand
CDC: It's Covid-19
BEATLES: I wanna hold your hand
CDC: Not advisable
BEATLES: I wanna hold your hand
CDC: No

Eddie Money: Take me home tonight!
CDC: NO!

Foreigner: “I’M HOT-BLOODED! Check it and see.”
CDC: “Well, yes, we do advise constant monitoring of body tempera
Foreigner: “I’VE GOT A FEVER OF A HUNDRED AND THREE!”
CDC: “Dear God. Why are you still singing? Can we get an ambulance here? Right away?”

Robert Palmer: Doctor, doctor, give me the news. I've got.a bad case
CDC: Oh no...
Palmer: Of loving you
CDC: *sigh of relief*

[Tom]

.

[Jim]

Perfection would be a straight six sitting next to a Wrangler tub.

[derf]

If you've never heard of lutefisk, google it.

[Tom]

If you've never heard of lutefisk, google it.
Rotflol

[goSlo]

I recently learned how to say "What's up dog!" in Japanese.

"Konichihuahua"

[Jackie]

If you've never heard of lutefisk, google it.

HAHA!!! My mom used to make Lutefisk for my dad ONCE a year. On that day, all 10 of us kids would leave the house early and not come back until long after supper time. (Oh, the stink)! My dad loved it though). Lutefisk was often served with lefse, a Norwegian flat bread made out of potatoes. Lefse is a favorite in my family in the fall and winter. It takes hours to make but it's worth it!

[jayson44]

HAHA!!! My mom used to make Lutefisk for my dad ONCE a year. On that day, all 10 of us kids would leave the house early and not come back until long after supper time. (Oh, the stink)! My dad loved it though). Lutefisk was often served with lefse, a Norwegian flat bread made out of potatoes. Lefse is a favorite in my family in the fall and winter. It takes hours to make but it's worth it!

my dad ate it pickled! made me want to barf.

now, lefse, on the other hand...that is amazing. a little butter and sprinkle some brown sugar on it and roll it up. mmmm. we still have that at Christmas and Thanksgiving ever year.

J.

[derf]

I haven't had lefse in decades.

[Jackie]

I haven't had lefse in decades.

Want some? Hell, I'm still out of work. I could start taking orders for the holidays, (it freezes well)!:p

[derf]

Want some? Hell, I'm still out of work. I could start taking orders for the holidays, (it freezes well)!:p

It sounds tempting but given health issues, something that's 100% carbohydrates and starches (not to mention what I like to put on it) is something I have to avoid. :frown:

[derf]

Truth right here

[Steve-O]

Not a joke per se, but I saw this today and thought "Well, Charles Spurgeon clearly never owned a Jeep" :lmao:

[Jim]

ARBITRAITOR
A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.

BERNADETTE
The act of torching a mortgage.

BURGLARIZE
What a crook sees through.

AVOIDABLE
What a bullfighter tries to do.

COUNTERFEITER
Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.

LEFT BANK
What the bank robbers did when their bag was full of money.

HEROES
What a man in a boat does.

PARASITES
What you see from the Eiffel Tower.

PARADOX
Two physicians.

PHARMACIST
A helper on a farm.

RELIEF
What trees do in the spring.

RUBBERNECK
What you do to relax your wife.

SELFISH
What the owner of a seafood store does.

SUDAFED
Brought litigation against a government official.

[Jim]

The 12 Seasons of Colorado

[Jim]

This should be sent only to those whose level of maturity qualifies them to relate to it... (in larger type because they need it)

1966: Long hair
2021: Longing for hair

1966: KEG
2021: EKG

1966: Acid rock
2021: Acid reflux

1966: Moving to California because it's cool
2021: Moving to Arizona because it's warm

1966: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2021: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor

1966: Seeds and stems
2021: Roughage

1966: Hoping for a BMW
2021: Hoping for a BM

1966: Going to a new, hip joint
2021: Receiving a new hip joint

1966: Rolling Stones
2021: Kidney Stones

1966: Screw the system
2021: Upgrade the system

1966: Disco
2021: Costco

1966: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2021: Children begging you to get their heads shaved

1966: Passing the drivers' test
2021: Passing the vision test

1966: Whatever
2021: Depends

—

Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things.

Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the faculty a sense of the mindset of this year's incoming freshmen. Here's this year's list:

The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 2003.

They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.

Their lifetime has always included AIDS.

Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.

The CD was introduced 7 years before they were born.

They have always had an answering machine.

They have always had cable.

They cannot fathom not having a remote control.

Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.

They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.

They can't imagine what hard contact lenses are.

They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.

They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", "I'd walk a mile for a Camel", or "de plane, Boss, de plane".

They do not care who shot J. R. & have no idea who J. R. even is.

McDonald's never came in Styrofoam containers.

They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter.

[derf]

In Back To The Future, Marty went back 30 years from 1985 to 1955.

If we did that same 30 years back today, we would go to 1991.

[Jim]

Darwin Awards 2022


THE NEW DARWIN AWARDS ARE HERE!!


The Darwin Awards are finally out. The annual honor given to the persons who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way. Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out.
This year's winner was a real rocket scientist... HONEST!

Semifinalist #1
A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk... Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. The resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both him and his sister.

Semifinalist #2
Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when another plane approached. It a appears that they decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles.

Semifinalist #3
A 22-year-old Reston, VA , man was found dead after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park , jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. 'The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground,' Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was 'Major trauma.'


Semifinalist #4
A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend - no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate - was hospitalized.

Semifinalist #5
Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building extinguishing all potential sources of ignition; lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter!

Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected of causing the blast had never been thought of as ''bright'' by his peers.

Now, the winner of this year's Darwin Award (awarded, as always, posthumously):


The Arizona Highway Patrol came upon a pile of smoldering metal embedded in the side of a cliff rising above the road at the apex of a curve. The wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it was a car.


The type of car was unidentifiable at the scene. Police investigators finally pieced together the mystery. An amateur rocket scientist.... Had somehow gotten hold of a JATO bottle (Jet Assisted Take Off, actually a solid fuel rocket) that is used to give heavy military transport planes an extra 'push' for taking off from short airfields. He had driven his Chevy Impala out into the desert and found a long, straight stretch of road. He attached the JATO unit to the car, jumped in, got up some speed and fired off the JATO!

The facts as best as could be determined are that the operator of the 1967 Impala hit the JATO ignition at a distance of approximately 3.0 miles from the crash site. This was established by the scorched and melted asphalt at that location.


The JATO, if operating properly, would have reached maximum thrust within 5 seconds, causing the Chevy to reach speeds well in excess of 350 mph and continuing at full power for an additional 20 -25 seconds.

The driver, and soon to be pilot, would have experienced G-forces usually reserved for dog fighting F -14 jocks under full afterburners, causing him to become irrelevant for the remainder of the event.


However, the automobile remained on the straight highway for about 2.5 miles (15-20 seconds) before the driver applied and completely melted the brakes, blowing the tires and leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface,
then becoming airborne for an additional 1.4 miles and impacting the cliff face at a height of 125 feet leaving a blackened crater 3 feet deep in the rock.

Most of the driver's remains were not recoverable. However, small fragments of bone, teeth and hair were extracted from the crater, and fingernail and bone shards were removed from a piece of debris believed to be a portion of the steering wheel.

Epilogue: It has been calculated that this moron attained a ground speed of approximately 420-mph, though much of his voyage was not actually on the ground.

AND PEOPLE JUST LIKE THIS ARE ALL AROUND US, BREEDING & VOTING!!!... SCARY THOUGHT, ISN'T IT ?!!

[Jim]

Hmmm - over the top might be bacon-wrapped-donut-holes...

[speedkills]

Hilarious that 20 years later when people make up Darwin awards they recycle the same JATO bit.

[Jim]

.

[Jim]

https://media.gab.com/cdn-cgi/image/width=700,quality=100,fit=scale-down/system/media_attachments/files/124/140/888/original/148c4e445c29d59c.jpeg

[Jim]

.

[Fatkids]

A few good dad jokes if the link works
https://www.instagram.com/reel/CwvaXarIvDV/?igshid=MTc4MmM1YmI2Ng==

[Jim]

https://media.gab.com/cdn-cgi/image/width=568,quality=100,fit=scale-down/system/media_attachments/files/152/947/044/original/9204e7683b6ff8a1.jpg

[Jim]

https://media.gab.com/cdn-cgi/image/width=568,quality=100,fit=scale-down/system/media_attachments/files/153/764/503/original/5d11e47f889abed7.png

[Jim]

https://media.gab.com/cdn-cgi/image/width=568,quality=100,fit=scale-down/system/media_attachments/files/154/000/870/original/d453ae464adf3d91.jpg

[TjMike]

Merely a flesh wound.

[Jim]

https://media.gab.com/cdn-cgi/image/width=568,quality=100,fit=scale-down/system/media_attachments/files/154/208/220/original/c3c46f97dcc797b5.webp

[Jim]

https://media.gab.com/cdn-cgi/image/width=1136,quality=100,fit=scale-down/system/media_attachments/files/155/180/404/original/667aaadc125f641e.jpg

[Jim]

.

[Jim]

https://media.gab.com/cdn-cgi/image/width=568,quality=100,fit=scale-down/system/media_attachments/files/163/583/990/original/2effb0cfcdd837e5.webp

[Jim]

https://media.gab.com/cdn-cgi/image/width=568,quality=100,fit=scale-down/system/media_attachments/files/164/027/379/original/217c7792eed8e054.png

[Jim]

This'll be in my mind next I'm seeing rock art in Utah...

https://media.gab.com/cdn-cgi/image/width=568,quality=100,fit=scale-down/system/media_attachments/files/165/689/123/original/d5944d90a596e6ef.png

[Jim]

https://scontent-ord5-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t39.30808-6/459194349_122169515576164008_6297725117760821567_n .jpg?stp=dst-jpg_s640x640&_nc_cat=1&ccb=1-7&_nc_sid=127cfc&_nc_ohc=5YfegFzAmQkQ7kNvgGr9Vdp&_nc_ht=scontent-ord5-1.xx&_nc_gid=AvtQdV8bYblao1Vt0wkDrpa&oh=00_AYBZu7fSfVZzJ68acY8inVGhZK8dAyK2kicBxNhIWxgr qA&oe=66F26B8D

[Jim]

https://media.gab.com/cdn-cgi/image/width=568,quality=100,fit=scale-down/system/media_attachments/files/168/990/543/original/995d8642ff1746ca.png

[Tom]

https://media.gab.com/cdn-cgi/image/width=568,quality=100,fit=scale-down/system/media_attachments/files/168/990/543/original/995d8642ff1746ca.png
Lol

[Jim]

I went to a muffler shop in town to get the jeep's muffler replaced. They told me 2 HOURS to tend the task and I said "to remove and replace the muffler"? Well no, it's not long for the muffler work but we evaluate the vehicle and let you know other things that should be tended. No thank you - there's a long list - I know of most of it - just do the muffler. OK, we'll have it done in about 30 minutes...