Share your Jokes!

[mattzj98]

I figured I'd get it going..

Post any funny jokes you know AS LONG AS THEY DON'T SERIOUSLY OFFEND OTHERS so keep the language pg13 and so on..

We can start with an Old People Joke.. Chase?

[mattzj98]

Hahaha awesome

[Squshiee1]

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Peter, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!"

"Heck," said Peter, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

[Brody]

Post any funny jokes you know AS LONG AS THEY DON'T SERIOUSLY OFFEND OTHERS

As if this has stopped people before, especially when it comes to the feeling(s) of some of the more sensitive older members...

[mattzj98]

Excluding Pete's feeling was implied

[Jackie]

and...I have to bust out some old Norwegian jokes
Don't forget to include Nina!!! Sven and Nina were quite the couple!!!:lmao:

[Chris]

Enough old man jokes! :rolleyes:

A husband and wife are getting ready for bed. The wife is standing in front of a full length mirror taking a hard look at herself. "You know love," she says, "I look in the mirror and I see an old woman. My face is all wrinkled, my boobs are barely above my waist, my butt is hanging out a mile. I've got fat legs and my arms are all flabby."

She turns to her husband and says, "Tell me something positive to make me feel better about myself."

He thinks about it for a bit and then says, "Well... there's nothing wrong with your eyesight."

[Jackie]

A local law enforcement officer stopped a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. Since he was in a good mood that day he decided to give the poor fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. So, he asks the man his name." Fred" he replies. "Fred what?" the officer asks. "Just Fred" the man responds. When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks he has a nutcase on his hands but plays along with it. "Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?"

The man replies... "It's a long story so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, finally got my degree so I was Fred Dingaling, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through school, got my degree so I was now Fred Dingaling MD DDS. Got bored doing dentistry so I started fooling around with my assistant. She gave me VD. So, I was Fred Dingaling MD DDS with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD so they took away my DDS so I was Fred Dingaling MD with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my dingaling so now I'm just Fred." The officer let him go without even a warning. :-)

[Chris]

With these Ole and Lena jokes I'm beginning to feel like I'm back in Minnesota, ya sure you betcha!

[Brody]

De talk like dat in de dakotas, too. Vut? You never seen Fargo? Vut is vrong vit you?

My mom was from Minot...Ya sure!

[Chris]

Lots of Fargo was filmed in the Minneapolis suburbs which was kind of fun.

My 90+ year old neighbor was a Scandanavian immigrant, he was a hoot and a model of keeping active. I was surprised to see him re-roofing his house when we first moved in until I found that he never let age stop him from anything.

[Heather]

Excluding Pete's feeling was implied
Not making allowances for Pete's feeling?

[mattzj98]

Haha.. allawances..

[Brody]

Haha.. allawances..

Allowance. :lmao::lmao:

What the hell is 'allawance', anyway? Ebonics?:lmao:

You and your Engrish...:D

[Chris]

Are you another former Minnesota Robyn?

[Brody]

Dakota...the colder of the two, unless I am mistaken.

[ColoRaider]

This guy walks into a bar with his chihuahua, he sits down at the bar and orders a beer. The bartender says to th eman.
"Im sorry but we cant serve you hear with that dog" to which the man replies "OH, this is my seeing eye dog."
Puzzled the bartender asks... "They gave you a chihuahua for a seeing eye dog?"
the man jumps up and yells.
"THEY GAVE ME A FUGGIN CHIHUAHUA!!!!"

[mattzj98]

A salesman hugs a girl.. Girl: What the hell is this? Salesman: It is direct marketing.. Girl slaps him.. Salesman: What is this? Girl: It is a customer's feedback!

[mattzj98]

Sim: Why it is hard to find the boys who are handsome, sensitive, caring and gentle? Jaine: Because they already have a boyfriend!

[Chris]

Correct Pete..North Dakota :)

Brrr!

[Brody]

Sim: Why it is hard to find the boys who are handsome, sensitive, caring and gentle? Jaine: Because they already have a boyfriend!

So am I to infer from this that the ONLY reason that I don't have a boyfriend and have a wife instead is because I am not handsome? That is so wrong! In fact, it really offends my sensitive, gentle and caring nature...I mean, WTF, anyway. I realize that my beauty sleep hasn't been doing anything worth a **** since I turned 50 no matter how much I sleep, and I wasn't all that great to look at to begin with, but I thought we were going to refrain from bashing feelings easily bruised like mine...Especially with nasty, uncaring jokes like this one..:lmao:

[mattzj98]

No, this joke means that the reason LaDawn married you was because others chose a different way of life.. of course to spare you feeling, you were not the target of that joke.. nobody was actually..

[mattzj98]

Two blondes lock thier keys in the car. One of the blondes tries to break into the car while the the

other one watches.

Finally the first blonde says "Darn, I can't get in the car!" The other blond replies, "keep trying, it looks

like it is going to rain and the top is down".

[MelloYello]

These are funny jokes people. Keep them coming.
Here is my favorite joke...

Two guys walk into a bar. The third one ducks.

Most people hate that joke, but I like it. That might give insight on how odd I must be? I don't know. :rolleyes:

[mattzj98]

Haha that's hilarious Keith and Robyn!

[Squshiee1]

2 blondes are sitting in the middle of a grass field rowing a boat,
another blonde drives by and see's the other blondes rowing the boat and says
"those are the blondes that make us look bad, if i could swim out their i would beat them up"!
My mom told me that!
she also told me,

What do you call a blonde that dies her hair brown?
Artificial intelligence!

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

A blond was caught staring at a bottle of orange juice by a store worker.
The worker asked "why are you staring at that"?
The Blonde Said "because it said concentrate

[mattzj98]

Not bad haha both my mom and I are blonde so we're cracking up, having a brown haired person explain all the jokes :thumb:

[Pathrat]

Some really good stuff in this thread!!! :lmao:

I am so glad that Matt could laugh along with us. We like to be inclusive here you know.

[Pathrat]

Young white guy is driving down the road through the reservation in Arizona. He sees an old Navajo walking down the road. They are way out in the middle of nowhere, it is hot out, so he stops to offer the old man a ride. The elder gets in the young guy's truck, doesn't say much but thank you. They drive through the desert. Young guys sees the old Navajo eyeing the brown-bagged bottle on the seat between them. The young man sees this and starts to explain. "Look, I can't give you any of what is in that bottle. It is a special bottle of wine. It cost me dearly. I just can't open it. You see, I got it for my wife." The young man waits to see if the elder is going to ask for a drink anyways. A few more miles down the road, the elder finally says, "Good trade".

[mattzj98]

This thread was a good idea.. makes me laugh everyday since! Haha

[Funrover]

A couple of rednecks are out in the woods hunting when one of them suddenly grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other redneck whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "I think Bubba is dead! What should I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy and follow my instructions. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence..........then a shot is heard. The redneck's voice comes back on the line, "Okay, now what?

[Funrover]

For those who like Jermey Clarkson

http://jalopnik.com/5517986/25-of-the-funniest-jeremy-clarkson-quips-in-the-world/gallery/1

[SCRubicon]

Funrover seriously offended me. Everybody knows true rednecks don't carry cell phones. :D

[SCRubicon]

Ok, now I'll share my joke.

Tim Tebow walks into a playoff game....

http://i27.photobucket.com/albums/c174/SteveChabala/Random%20Junk1/rim-shot-johnny-utah.jpg

[mattzj98]

Lmao

[Brody]

Ok, now I'll share my joke.

Tim Tebow walks into a playoff game....

Must be another sports related joke since it went right over my head. Hell, not surprising, I guess, I had to look up "Tebow" earlier to see what people were talking about...

Oh well, I figure any country that idolizes and pays it's sports figures more than the people who run the country is pretty much on the slippery downslope anyway...

[Funrover]

Funrover seriously offended me. Everybody knows true rednecks don't carry cell phones. :D

ROFLMAO!!! That's funny right there.

[mattzj98]

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”

[Pathrat]

ROFLMAO!!! That's funny right there.

Sure was huh? Oh and Hugh LOVES your joke!

[CodeXJ]

Louisiana: A man walked into a Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? Fifteen dollars. [If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, was a crime committed?]

A man walked in to a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Shop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket

A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.

CAIRO, Egypt (AP) - Six people drowned yesterday while trying to rescue a chicken that had fallen into a well in southern Egypt. An 18-year-old farmer was the first to descend into the 60-foot well. He drowned, apparently after an undercurrent in the water pulled him down, police said. His sister and two brothers, none of whom could swim well, went in one by one to help him, but also drowned. Two elderly farmers then came to help, but they apparently were pulled down by the same undercurrent. The bodies of the six were later pulled out of the well in the village of Nazlat Imara, 240 miles south of Cairo. The chicken was also pulled out. It survived.

THIS ONE KINDA LONG. But i worked at o'reilly auto parts and found this funny as hell.

The Redneck Oil Change Checklist

1. Go to O'Reilly auto parts and write a check for $50 dollars for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and scented tree.

2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.

3. Open a beer and drink it.

4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7. Place drain pan under engine.

8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

9. Give up and use crescent wrench.

10. Unscrew drain plug.

11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process.

12. Clean up.

13. Have another beer while oil is draining.

14. Look for oil filter wrench.

15. Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist it off.

16. Beer.

17. Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.

18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.

19. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.

20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.

21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.

22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first.

23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

24. Remember drain plug from step 11.

25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

26. Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains onto floor.

27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.

28. Bang head on floor board in reaction.

29. Begin cussing fit.

30. Throw wrench.

31. Cuss and complain.

32. Clean up; apply Band-Aid to knuckle.

33. Beer.

34. Beer.

35. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.

36. Beer.

37. Lower car from jack stands

38. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands

39. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23.

40. Test drive car

41. Get pulled over; arrested for driving under the influence.

42. Car gets impounded.

43. Make bail; get car from impound yard.

Money Spent:

$50 parts

$12 beer

$75 replacement set of jack stands; hey the colors have to match!

$1000 Bail

$200 Impound and towing fee

Total: $1337

[GaryG]

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 Feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file. The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said:

... I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?

My wife's.

What happened to her?
She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her.

He inquired further, But who is in the second hearse?

The man answered, My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her.

A very poignant and touching moment of brotherhood and silence passed between the two men.

Can I borrow the dog?

The man replied, Get in line.

[mattzj98]

Hahahahahaha Gary! Made my day!

[CodeXJ]

A young naval student was being put through the paces by an old sea captain.

"What would you do if a sudden storm sprang up on the starboard?"

"Throw out an anchor, sir," the student replied.

"What would you do if another storm sprang up aft?"

"Throw out another anchor, sir."

"And if another terrific storm sprang up forward, what would you do then?" asked the captain.

"Throw out another anchor, sir."

"Hold on," said the captain. "Where are you getting all those anchors from?"

"From the same place you're getting your storms, sir."

[CodeXJ]

The problem with the Iraqi army is that they were using Russian defense tactics:

1. Engage the enemy.

2. Draw him into your territory.

3. Wait until winter sets in.

[RockyMtnHigh]

This is actually true, thought it was funny!

Ted Nugent was asked by a journalist, "What do you think is the last thought in the head of a deer before you shoot him? Is it, 'Are you my friend?' or is it 'Are you the one who killed my brother?'"

Nugent replied, "Deer aren't capable of that kind of thinking. All they care about is, 'what am I going to eat next, who am I going to screw next, and can I run fast enough to get away'. They are very much like the French."

:lmao::lmao::lmao:

[Popsgarage]

:lmao::lmao::lmao:Good one Jock!!!

[Funrover]

Farm Kid...


When you're from the country ~ your perception is a little different.


A Missouri farmer in his pickup, drove to a neighbor's, and knocked
at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door
"Is your Dad home?"
"No sir, he isn't; he went to town."
"Well, is your Mother here?"
"No sir, she went to town with Dad."
"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"
"No sir, He went with Mom and Dad."
The rancher stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to
the other, and mumbling to himself.
"Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are,
if you want to borrow one, or I can give dad a message."
"Well," said the rancher uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to
your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Linda,
pregnant."'

The boy thought for a moment. "You would have to talk to Dad about
that.. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the hog, but I
don't know how much he charges for Howard."

[Brody]

A robber goes into a bank with a gun. He shouts for everyone to get on the floor and gets all the money from the tellers. One of the people in the bank sneaks up behind him and rips his mask off. He promptly shoots him and then shoots another guy who happens to see his face.

Livid, the robber shouts, "Alright! Who else saw my face?"
A security guard raises his hand. He gets shot.
"Anyone else?", He asks.
An older gentleman raises his hand. Just as the robber is about to shoot him, the older gentleman shouts out, "Wait! It wasn't me!" Pointing his finger at a lady his same age, he says" I am sure that my wife saw your face".

[Funrover]

ITALIAN BOY'S CONFESSION


'Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
I have been with a loose girl'..

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'.

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later
so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration.
'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that.
But you've sinned and have to atone.
You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months.
Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew,
and his friend Franco slides over and whispers,
'What'd you get?'

'Four months vacation and five good leads.'

[Funrover]

'Hello, is this the police?"

"Yes it is. How can we help you?"

"I'm calling to report about my neighbour, Wazza. He's hiding
cocaine inside his firewood!"

"Thank you very much for the call."

The next day, police officers descend on Wazza's house in great
numbers.

They search the house and then go out to the shed where the firewood is kept.

Using axes, they bust open every piece of firewood but they find no
cocaine.

They swear at Wazza and leave.

The phone rings at Wazza's house. "Hey, Wazz, Did the cops come?"

"Yeah!"

"Did they chop up your firewood?"

"Yep."

"Happy Birthday, maaaaaaaaaate!!!"

[Brody]

Thank you, Aaron! those were fun!

[Funrover]

Two hillbillies are having lunch when a woman seated nearby begins to choke.

The first hillbilly asks her, "Kin ya swallar?"

The woman shakes her head no.

The hillbilly asks her "Kin ya breathe?"

Woman shakes her head no.

So the hillbilly walks over, lifts up her dress, yanks down her britches and licks her butt cheek.

The woman has a violent spasm and spits out the food.

The hillbilly's buddy says "Ya know, I heerd of that there hind-lick maneuver but I aint niver seed nobody do it..."

[Funrover]

The value of a Catholic education and a #2 pencil.

Little Susie was not the best student in Catholic School . Usually she
slept through the class.
One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.
'Tell me Susie, who created the universe?'
When Susie didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind
her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.
'God Almighty!' shouted Susie.
The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class..
A little later the Nun asked Susie, 'Who is our Lord and Savior?'
But Susie didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her
rescue and stuck her in the butt.
'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Susie.
And the Nun once again said, 'Very good,' and Susie fell back asleep.
The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam after she
had her twenty-third child?'
Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Susie jumped up and shouted,
'If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in
half!'
The nun fainted.

[Funrover]

A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said,
'Let's talk.. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.'
The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'
'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.
OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'
The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.
To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know *****?'

[Brody]

We are getting some good laughs here Aaron!

[Funrover]

‎3 surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The 1st surgeon said, "Electricians are the best. Everything inside is color coded."

The 2nd surgeon says, "No, I think librarians are. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order"

The 3rd surgeon shut them up when he said:"You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine. Plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable.

[Brody]

Ahhh...succinct and to the point....:thumb:

[Funrover]

LOVE STORY

I will seek and find you.
I shall take you to bed and have my way with you.

I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.

I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.

I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I'm finished with you.

And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.

All my love,

The Flu

[Funrover]

Siamese twins walk into a bar in Canada and park themselves on a bar
stool.

One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us; we're joined at the
hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please."

The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite
conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on holiday yet, lads?"

"Off to England next month," says John. "We go to England every year,
rent a car and drive for miles. Don't we, Jim?" Jim agrees.

"Ah, England !" says the bartender. "Wonderful country... the history,
the beer, the culture..."

"Nah, we don't like that British crap," says John. "Hamburgers and
Molson's beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English -
they're so arrogant and rude."

"So why keep going to England ?" asks the bartender.

"It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."

[Funrover]

Should a Child Witness Childbirth?
Due to a power cut, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very dark, so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-year-old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her mother so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.

Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born. The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and patted him on his bottom. Connor began to cry.
The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the wide-eyed 3-year-old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, 'He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place........smack him again!'

[Funrover]

The blonde is flying along, in a two-seater airplane, with her Pilot.

All of a sudden the Pilot has heart attack and dies.
She frantically calls a "May Day!"

"May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My Pilot had a heart attack and is dead, and I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"

All of a sudden she hears a voice over the radio saying, "This is the tower. I have received your message and I will talk you through it.
I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem. Now, just relax. Everything will be fine!
" Please indicate your height and present position."

She says, "I'm 5'4" and I'm in the front seat."

"O.K." says the voice from the tower, " Now repeat after me, Our Father, Who art in Heaven ........."

[Funrover]

Several years ago, the Catholic Church required women to wear a head covering in order to enter the sanctuary. One Sunday a lady arrived without her head covering.

The priest informs her that she cannot enter without it. A few moments later, the lady re-appears wearing her blouse tied to her head.

The shocked priest says, "Madam, I cannot allow you to enter this holy place without your wearing a blouse."

"But Father, I have a divine right," she informs.

"Yes, I see. And your left one isn't bad either, but you still must wear a blouse to enter this church!" he insists.

[Funrover]

WHAT PETS WRITE IN THEIR DIARIES
A Dog's Diary........


8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 PM - Lunch! My favorite thing!
1:00 PM - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 PM - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 PM - Milk Bones! My favorite thing!
7:00 PM - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 PM - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 PM - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

A Cat's Diary...


Day 983 of my captivity....

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.

Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape.

Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a 'good little hunter' I am.
B@st@rds.

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of 'allergies.' I must learn what this means and how to use it to my advantage.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow -- but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released - and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded.

The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicating with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now.........

[Funrover]

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked..

"Are you NUTS?!?!?" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!!!"

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking, fishing and golf."

[Pathrat]

Thanks Aaron!!!! These are some really great jokes you posted. Having grown up Catholic, I appreciated the humor. The Dog and Cat contrast on this page really is priceless!

[Popsgarage]

Keep 'em coming!!!!

[glacierpaul]

Thank you, Aaron! those were fun!
x2:D

[ShutUpHippie]

Not to kill the "good joke vibe"... but: (this one has to be read out-loud)

Two peanuts were walking down the street; one was a salted

[Jackie]

Having grown up Catholic, I appreciated the humor.
Same here!!! I remember having to have something on your head before entering the church! My mom used to pin doilies or napkins on our heads!!! (I'm NOT kidding). :lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao: I'm dyin' laughing here!

[Chris]

As a "lapsed Catholic" I recall those days too. I recall quite well my mother shuffling around in her bathrobe telling us to go to church. "Why aren't you going, Mom" We quickly saw through the "I went a 6am." :lmao:

[Funrover]

Bill worked in a pickle factory.
He had been employed there for a number of years when
he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion...
He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.

His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist
to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed.
He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife
could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.
'Do you remember that I told you how I had this
tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?'
'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed.
'Yes, I did.' he replied...
'My God, Bill, what happened?'
'I got fired.'
'No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?'
'Oh...she got fired too. '

[Funrover]

A man boarded a plane with six kids.

After they got settled in their seats, a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over and asked, "Are all of those kids yours?"

"No." he replied, "I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."

[Funrover]

Why Do I Like Retirement !!!

Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday



Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.


Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.



Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.


Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount.



Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.


Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.



Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
Answer: NUTS!


Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.



Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal.


Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answer: The never ending Coffee Break.


Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents..



Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.



And, my very favourite.....
QUESTION: What do you do all week?
Answer: Monday through Friday, NOTHING..... Saturday & Sunday, I rest.

[Funrover]

SERENITY



Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied...
'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented..
She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?






Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing
about being 104?' the reporter asked..
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'






The nice thing about being senile is
you can hide your own Easter eggs

and have fun finding them.






I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.
I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.






I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on,
the class was over.






An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Woolworths. 'Woolworths?' the preacher exclaimed.
'Why Woolworths?'
'Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week'

( you can substitute Walmart in the place of Woolworths)



My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.


Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

It's scary when you start making the same noises
as your coffee maker.



These days about half the stuff
in my shopping cart says,
'For fast relief.'

THE SENILITY PRAYER :
Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference..

[Brody]

On the same subject:

What is the difference between a 90 year old and a 19 year old?

Depends...

What does a 90 year old woman have between her breasts that a 19 year old woman doesn't?

Her navel..

[Chris]

Thanks Aaron! :lmao:

Barb & I are adopting this one - Monday through Friday, NOTHING..... Saturday & Sunday, we rest. :thumb:

[Funrover]

5 pearls of Scottish wisdom to remember into the New Year.. .

1. Money cannot buy happiness but somehow, it’s more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes Benz than on a bicycle.

2. Forgive your enemy but remember the b@st@rd’s name.

3. Help a man when he is in trouble and he will remember you when he is in trouble again.

4. Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to shoot them.

5. Alcohol does not solve any problem, but then neither does milk.

[Funrover]

THE BLONDE AND THE LORD



A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject,

and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice.

After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular

cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed,




"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"




Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of

cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the heavens

the voice bellowed,




"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"




The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of

the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole.


The voice came once more,




"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"




She stopped, looked skyward! and said,




"IS THAT YOU LORD?"




The voice replied,




"NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK!"

[Funrover]

A good ole Arkansas boy won a bass boat in a raffle drawing. He brought
it home and his wife looks at him and says, "What you gonna do
with that. There ain't no water deep enough to float a boat within 100
miles of here."

... He says, "I won it and I'm a gonna keep it."

His brother came over to visit several days later. He sees the wife and
asks where his brother is. She says, "He's out there in his
bass boat",pointing to the field behind the house.

The brother heads out behind the house and sees his brother sitting in
a bass boat with a fishing rod in his hand down in the middle of
a big field. He yells out to him, "What are you doing?"

His brother replies, "I'm fishin. What does it look like I'm a doing."

His brother yells, "It's people like you that give people from Arkansas
a bad name, makin everybody think we is stupid. If I could swim, I'd
come out there and whip your ass

[Funrover]

I'm trying to keep it one for one. As penance, I will post my Rodney Dangerfield collection:

I tell you, with my doctor, I don't get no respect. Well, I told him I've swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. He told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back!

When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, "We want five thousand dollars or you'll see your kid again."

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt because he leaves a pyramid in every room.

With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.

What a dog I got. His favorite bone is in my arm!

Last week I saw my psychiatrist. I told him, "Doc, I keep thinking I'm a dog." He told me to get off his couch.

I worked in a pet store and people kept asking how big I'd get.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

I'll tell ya, my wife and I, we don't think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless!

One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I'll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.

I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. I drink too much. Way too much. My doctor drew blood. He ran a tab.

When I was born the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm very sorry. We did everything we could...but he pulled through."

I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War my great uncle fought for the west!

My father was stupid. He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

One year they wanted to make me poster boy... for birth control.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

Once when I was lost I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There are so many places they can hide."

I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor. They sent a priest up to talk to me. He said, "On your mark..."

When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.

I had a lot of pimples too. One day I fell asleep in a library. I woke up and a blind man was reading my face.

My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an ax!

I met the surgeon general. He offered me a cigarette.

One time I went to a hotel. I asked the bellhop to handle my bag. He felt up my wife!

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the Fruit of the Loom guys laughing at me.

I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!

My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate."

Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home!

A hooker once told me she had a headache.

I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.

If it weren't for pick-pocketers, I'd have no sex life at all.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.

I knew a girl so ugly, the last time I saw a mouth like hers it had a hook on the end of it.

I knew a girl so ugly, she had a face like a saint--a Saint Bernard!

I was tired one night and I went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me, "What'll you have?" I said, "Surprise me." He showed me a naked picture of my wife.

During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.

My marriage is on the rocks again. Yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.

One day as I came home early from work, I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy...why are you doing that for?" He said, "Because you came home early."

I went to see my doctor... Doctor Vidi-boom-ba. Yeah...I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me? He said, "I don't know, but your eyesight is perfect."

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown necktie.

My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him, "If you don't mind, I'd like a second opinion." He said, "All right. You're ugly too!"

I was so ugly, my mother used to feed me with a slingshot!

When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, "Look, twins!"

And we were poor too. Why, if I wasn't born a boy, I'd have nothing to play with!

[Funrover]

What time is bedtime at Michael Jacksons house? When the big hand is on the little hand!

[Funrover]

A young man was dating three women and had decided it was time to marry and had to make a decision between the three. He decided to give them a little test. He gave each woman a gift of $5,000 and watched to see what they did with the money.

The first woman did a total makeover. She went to a fancy beautysalon for a totally new look, got her hair done, new make up and bought several new outfits and dressed up very nicely for the man. She told him that she had done this to be more attractive for him because sheloved him so much. The man was touched and impressed with her devotion to him.

The second woman went shopping to buy the man gifts. She got him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some beautiful expensive clothes. As she presented these gifts, she told him that she spent all the money on him because she loved him so much. Again, the man was touched and impressed.

The third woman invested the money in the stock market and earned several times the original $5,000. She gave him back his $5,000 and reinvested the remaining in a joint account. She told him that she wanted to save for their future because she loved him somuch. Obviously, the man was again touched and impressed.

The man was faced with a difficult decision. He thought a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her and how much each one loved him. Then he married the one with the biggest boobs.

[Funrover]

The Guys' Rules
At last a guy has taken the time to write this
all down.

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.

These are our rules! Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers
to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a
problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two
ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows
default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an
answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely
anything you wear is fine...Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about
unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.

[Funrover]

A Catholic guy goes into the confessional box in Dublin, after years being away from the Church.

There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the shelf of one wall, is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates,
the other wall has pornographic pictures of a buxom blond.

He hears a priest come in:

"Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession; but I must first admit that the confessional box is much
more inviting than it used to be”.

"Get out, you idiot. You're on my side," the priest replies.

[Funrover]

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time.
The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it is like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.
"He's a funeral director," she answered.
"Interesting," the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.
She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years.
After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she'd first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, later on a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

[Funrover]

An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates. St Peter checks his dossier and says "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."

So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in Hell?"

Satan replies "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

[Brody]

A lawyer and a bishop die and arrive at the pearly gates. St Peter welcomes them and shows them to their quarters. He leads the bishop down into what amounts to a nice efficiency apartment, and a basement one, at that. He makes sure the bishop knows where everything is and then leads the lawyer away. He takes the lawyer up to this beautiful penthouse with a sauna, whirlpool, views and just about what everything that you can imagine. (Neither one being my idea of what heaven, if there even is such a thing, would be, but this is the way the joke goes...)

The bishop, when he gets word of this is a bit irate and looks up St Peter to complain. "What is going on here? There must be some mistake! I dedicated my whole existence to the church and the lord and feel that I deserve better than this!" St. Peter looks at him and says," You have to understand that we get a huge number of people from the church here. All manner of priests, bishops and so on. This just happens to be the very first lawyer that we have ever gotten in heaven..."

The lack of some capitalization on my part is purposeful....PB:D

[Jackie]

Oh, my...

[Squshiee1]

That awkward moment when someone from the past looks like someone from the present! MATT!

[Chris]

Oh, my...

:lmao:

[mattzj98]

woow.. thats ALMOST inapropriate haha

[Rick]

took a minute

[Rick]

must be taken in Thailand :eek::D

[Funrover]

must be taken in Thailand :eek::D

:lmao::lmao:

[Jackie]

Once again I say "Oh, my..."!

[Squshiee1]

What to hear a joke?
Women's Rights. :)

My teachers love that one!

[Chris]

What to hear a joke?
Women's Rights. :)

My teachers love that one!

I don't get it but I suspect your teachers don't love "What to hear a joke" very much. :erm:

[Rick]

:lmao::thumb:
I don't get it but I suspect your teachers don't love "What to hear a joke" very much. :erm:

[Squshiee1]

*Want i hate auto correct

[Funrover]

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walked into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home." "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?" "Well, It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."
"I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know, I amputated your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...And pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

[Funrover]

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said:

TWO Prostitutes - $50.00.

A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them, and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.

At that time, another car passed with a sign saying: "Jesus Saves."

One of the girls asked the officer, "How come you don't stop them?"

"Well, that's a little different," the officer said. "Their sign pertains to religion."

The following day the same police officer noticed the same two hookers driving around with a large sign on their car.

He figured he had an easy arrest until he read their new sign:

Two Fallen Angels
Seeking Peter -- $50.00

[Funrover]

The Call Home:


**'Hello?'**

**'Hi honey.**
**This is Daddy.**
**Is Mommy near the phone?'**

**'No, Daddy.**
**She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Gabe.'**


**After a brief pause,**

**Daddy says,**
**'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Gabe.'**


**Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,**
**Right now..'**


**Brief Pause.**

**'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.**
**Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs**
**And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy**
**That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'**


**'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'**


**A few minutes later**
**The little girl comes back to the phone.**


**'I did it, Daddy.'**

**'And what happened, honey?' **


**Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran
around screaming.**
**Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser**
**And now she isn't moving at all!'**


**'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Gabe?'**


**'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.**
**He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window**
**And into the swimming pool..**
**But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water**
**Last week to clean it.**
**He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'**


*****Long Pause*****


*****Longer Pause*****

*****Even Longer Pause*****


**Then Daddy says,**
**'Swimming pool? ............**
**Is this 486-5731?'**



**No, I think you have the wrong number........**

[Jackie]

Enough!

[Brody]

Thanks Robyn! I knew that you knew some jokes...

[Pathrat]

And to Funrover. Great contributions Aaron, thanks! :thumb:

[Chris]

Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term test. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk,' worth 70 points or none at all.

One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. He wrote:

1.) It is perfect formula for the child.
2.) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3.) It is always the right temperature.
4.) It is inexpensive.
5.) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6.) It is always available as needed.

And then, the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote..

7.) It comes in 2 attractive reusable containers.

He got an A+

[Popsgarage]

It comes in 2 attractive reusable containers.


:lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao:

[Rick]

:smokin::thumb:

[Chris]

Love it!

[Rick]

:lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao:

[Popsgarage]

Nobody, but nobody messes with Grandma!!!!!:shooter:

[mattzj98]

Haha Chris, that was awesome!

[Brody]

That was great!

I have always been a firm believer in the "The older you get, the more weapons should be on hand" theory...:lmao:

[Funrover]

Old Man And The Beaver

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said, 'Things are great and I've never felt better.'

I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.
"So what do you think about that Doc?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.

"I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and
never misses a season."

One day he was setting off to go hunting.

In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane
instead of his gun.."

"As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting
at the water's edge..

He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the
magnificent creature.
Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were
his favourite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'.

"Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now,
what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said, "Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

[Rick]

:eek: poor old guy

[Jackie]

OMG that's funny!

[Funrover]

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation in Jerusalem .



While they were there, the wife passed away.



The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her buried here in the Holy Land for $150



or we can have her shipped back home for $5000.



The husband thought about it and told the undertaker he would have her shipped back home.



The undertaker asked him, "why would you spend $5000 to have her shipped home when you could have a beautiful burial here, and it would only cost $150????"



The husband replied, "Long ago, a man died here, was buried here, and three days later, rose from the dead.



I just can’t take that chance!"

[Rick]

Amen!!!!!!

[Funrover]

16 reasons why beer should be served at work
1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It leads to more honest communications.
3. It reduces complaints about low pay.
4. Employees tell management what they think, not what they want to hear.
5. It encourages car pooling.
6. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't care.
7. It eliminates holidays because people would rather come to work.
8. It makes fellow employees look better.
9. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
10. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are pissed.
11. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
12. Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the bar.
13. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.
14. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch break.
15. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.
16. Sitting with your ass on the photo-copy machine will no longer be considered unacceptable.

[Funrover]

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
**************************
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
**************************
On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
**************************
On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
**************************
On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
**************************
On a Church's Bill board:
"7 days without God makes one weak."
**************************
At a Tire Store
"Invite us to your next blowout."
**************************
On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
**************************
In a Non-smoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
**************************
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
**************************
At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
**************************
On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
**************************
On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"
**************************
At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
**************************
Outside a Car Exhaust Store:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
**************************
In a Vets waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
**************************
In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up."
**************************
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
**************************
And don't forget the sign at a
RADIATOR SHOP:
"Best place in town to take a leak."
**********************
Sign on the back of yet another
Septic Tank Truck:
"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"

[Funrover]

A Story of Creation

In the beginning, God created heaven and earth.

Shortly thereafter God was in receipt of a notice to show cause why he shouldn't be cited for failure to file an environmental impact statement. He was granted a temporary planning permit for the project, but was stymied by a Cease and Desist Order for the earthly part.

At the hearing, God was asked why he began his earthly project in the first place. He replied that he just liked to be creative.

Then God said, "Let there be light."

Officials immediately demanded to know how the light would be made. Would it require strip mining? What about thermal pollution?

God explained that the light would come from a huge ball of fire, and provisional approval was granted with the proviso that no smoke would result.

The authorities demanded the issuance of a building permit, and (to conserve energy) required that the light be left off half the time. God agreed, saying he would call the light "Day" and the darkness "Night." Officials replied that they were only interested in protecting the environment, not in semantics.

God said, "Let the earth bring forth green herb and such as many seed."

The EPA agreed, so long as only native seed was used.

Then God said, "Let waters bring forth creeping creatures having life; and the fowl that may fly over the earth."

Officials pointed out this would require approval from the Department of Game coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation and the Audubongelic Society.

Everything went along smoothly until God declared that he intended to complete the project in six days.

Officials informed God it would take at least 200 days to review his many waiver applications and environmental impact statements. After that there would have to be a public hearing, and then there would be a 10-12 month probationary period before....

At this point, God created Hell.

[Funrover]

An Australian, an Irishman and an Englishman were sitting in a bar. There was only one other person in the bar. It was a man. The three men kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar.

They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before, when suddenly the Irishman cried out "My God, I know who that man is. It's Jesus!" The others looked again and, sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table.

The Irishman call out, "Hey!, you!!! Are you Jesus?" The man looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head. "Yes, I am Jesus" he says. The Irishman calls the bartender over and says to him "I'd like you to give Jesus over there a pint of Guinness from me." So the bartender pours Jesus a Guinness and takes it over to his table. Jesus looks over, raises his glass, smiles thank you and drinks.

The Englishman then calls out, "Errr, excuse me Sir, but would you be Jesus?" Jesus smiles and says, "Yes, I am Jesus." The Englishman beckons the bartender and tells him to send over a pint of Newcastle Brown Ale for Jesus, which the bartender duly does. As before, Jesus accepts the drink and smiles over at the men.

Then the Australian calls out, "Oi, you! D'ya reckon you're Jesus,or what?" Jesus nods and says, "Yes, I am Jesus." The Australian is mighty impressed and has the bartender send over a stubbie of Victoria Bitter for Jesus, which he accepts with pleasure.

Some time later, after finishing the drinks, Jesus leaves his seat and approaches the three men. He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement."Oh God, the arthritis is gone," he says. "The arthritis I've had for years is gone. It's a miracle!"

Jesus then shakes the hand of the Englishman, thanking him for the Newcastle Brown Ale. Upon letting go, the Englishman's eyes widen in shock. "By jove", he exclaims, " The migraine I've had for over 40 years is completely gone. It's a miracle!"

Jesus then approaches the Australian, who has a terrified look on his face.

The Aussie whispers ... "F*** off mate, I'm on Workers Comp"

[Funrover]

CATHOLIC COFFEE MORNING IN ROME

Four old Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peters Square.

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him
'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him
'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says
'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him
'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, The four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"
























She proudly replies,
I have a daughter,


SLIM & TALL

40 D Breasts

24" WAIST and

34" HIPS


























When she walks into a room, people say,

“ Oh MY God”

[Funrover]

Subject: SLEEPING WITH MICK





The guys were on a bike tour. No one wanted to room with Mick, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.


The first guy slept with Mick and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.

They said, "Man, what happened to you? He said, "Mick snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.

They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Mick shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."

The third night was Bill's turn. He was a tanned, older biker, a man's man.. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.


"Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?" He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Mick into bed, patted him on the arse, and kissed him good night on the lips. Mick sat up and watched me all night."

With age comes wisdom!

[Funrover]

The phone rings and the lady of the house
answers,

"Hello."

"Mrs. Sanders,
please."

"Speaking."

"Mrs. Sanders, this is
Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory.
When your husband's doctor
sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders
arrived as well....
We are now uncertain which one belongs to your
husband.
Frankly, either way the results are not too
good."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks
nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for
Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV.
We can't tell
which is which."

"That's dreadful! Can you do the test
again?" questioned Mrs.Sanders.

"Normally we can, but
MEDICARE will only pay for these expensive tests
once."

"Well, what am I supposed to do
now?"

"The MEDICARE Helpdesk recommend that you drop your
husband off somewhere in the middle of town.

If he finds his
way home, don't sleep with him.

[Popsgarage]

God, a highway to Hawaii and understanding women.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1d3iDjbUL4A&feature=player_detailpage

[Funrover]

Holy Prostitutes

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye....It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought....

Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, 'What may we do for you my son? '

He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business....'

'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.'

He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door... This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.

The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:

GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER

[Funrover]

It's Hell to be Old

OLD people have problems that you haven't
even considered yet!

An 85-year-old man was requested by his
Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical
exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take
this jar home and bring back a semen sample
tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared
at the doctor's office and gave him the jar,
which was as clean and empty as on the
previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man
explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried
with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried
with my left hand, but still nothing.

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with
her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.
She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,
then with her teeth out, still nothing.
Soaked it in hot water ,still nothing
'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door
and she tried too, first with both hands, then an
armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between
her knees, but still nothing..'

The doctor was shocked!


'You asked your neighbour?'

The old man replied,

'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'

[Funrover]

A little girl walks in to the living room one Sunday morning while her Dad is reading the paper.

"Where does poo come from?" she asks.
The father feeling a little perturbed that his 5 year old daughter is already asking difficult questions thinks for a moment and says: "Well you know we just ate breakfast?"


"Yes," answers the girl.

"Well the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the good stuff, and then whatever is left over comes out of our butts when we go to the toilet, and that is poo."

The little girl looks shocked, and stares at him in stunned silence for a few seconds before asking:
"And Tigger?"

[Funrover]

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good looking woman, and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two men applied for the job. One was *** and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she decided to hire the *** guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. However one o'clock came and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.. "Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. "Now take off my bra." Again with trembling hands he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. Now," she said, "take off my panties." By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off. Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, I'll fire you on the spot!

[Funrover]

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, "My *elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."
*"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies."There's *a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the *computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it.
*It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . . A lot cheaper than a*
*doctor."
*So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.
*He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine *sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
*Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow.*
*Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two *weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart."
*That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began *wondering if the computer could be fooled.
*He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his *wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.
*Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten *dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)*
*2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
*3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
*4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
*5 . If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get *better!
*Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart

[Funrover]

Funny Quotes

"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."
--Tom Clancy

"You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither."
--Steve Martin

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."
--Woody Allen

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
--Rodney Dangerfield

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal,
particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
--Lynn Lavner

"Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist."
--Matt Barry

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
--Camille Paglia

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant."
--George Burns

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
--Sharon Stone

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex---no matter what she's reading."
--Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computers)

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-*****."
--Jack Nicholson

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
--Barbara Bush
(Former US First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor)

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
--Robin Williams

"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."
--Roseanne

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
--Billy Crystal

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
--Robert De Niro

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
--Dustin Hoffman

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked."
--Jerry Seinfeld

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."
--Rod Stewart

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
--Robin Williams

"Getting married for free sex is like buying a jumbo jet for the free peanuts"
-- Jef Foxworthy

[Funrover]

The minds of Engineers:


So 2 engineers are taking a break at work when one of them says, "Wow I had an interesting weekend!"*

The other one asks what happened. The first engineer explains, "Well I was walking my dog on Saturday when a beautiful young girl on a bike rides up to me, stops, gets off the bike, strips down naked and says, 'You can doing anything you want to me. You can have all of this.'"

The second guy asks, "What did you do?"

The first engineer say, "Well I took the bike. What would you have done?"


The second engineer says, "I would of taken the bike too. Her clothes wouldn't of fit."

[Funrover]

An engineer, a priest and a doctor are all playing golf. They are stuck at a hole because the golfers in front of them are bumbling around unable to apparently see anything. The caddy senses their frustration and tells the trio "that group up there recently lost their eyesight in an accident at the country club, so the owner allows them to play anytime for free"

The Priest then says "I will pray that the good lord will return their vision"
The Doc says, "I will see if there are any new medications to help with their recovery"
The Engineer is still annoyed and says "why the hell can't they play at night"

[Funrover]

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"

"My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

[Funrover]

This nasty, sweaty woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walks into a bar.She raises her right arm, revealing a big hairy armpit as she points to all the people sitting at the bar and asks, 'What man out there will buy a lady a drink?' The whole bar goes dead silent, as the patrons try to ignore her. At the end of the bar, a skinny little drunk slams his hand on the bar and says, 'Bartender, I want to buy that ballerina a drink!' The bartender pours the drink and the woman chugs it down.

After she's completed the drink, she turns again to the patrons and points around at all of them, again revealing her hairy armpit and saying, 'What man out there will buy a lady a drink?' Once again, the little drunk slaps his hand down on the bar and says, 'Bartender, I'd like to buy the ballerina another drink!'

After serving the lady her second drink, the bartender approaches the little drunk and states, 'It's your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you call her a ballerina?' The drunk replies, 'Sir, in my eyes, any woman who can lift her leg up that high has got to be a ballerina!'

[Funrover]

Two guys are moving about in a supermarket when their carts collide.
One says to the other, "Excuse me, but I'm looking for my wife."
"What a coincidence, so am I, and I'm getting a little desperate."
"Well, maybe I can help you. What does your wife look like?"
"She's tall, with long dark hair, long legs, firm breasts, and a tight rear end.
What's your wife look like?"
"Never mind, let's look for yours!"

[Funrover]

In a recent bar quiz I totally embarrassed myself!

The question was: Where do the majority of women have curly hair?

I got it wrong.

Apparently it's Africa

[Funrover]

Here is a local Colorado Joke:

A Californian, a Texan, and a Coloradan are all sitting around a campfire.

The Californian rumages through his pack and produces a fine vintage of Napa Wine. He gently uncorks the bottle, sniffs the cork, takes a delicate sip, pours the rest of the wine on the ground, throws the bottle in the air and shoots it with his pistol. He says "we have so much wine i do not care the slightest"

The Texan then pulls out a bottle of aged wiskey, takes a large gulp, throws the bottle high in the air, and shoots it with his revolver. He says "we got so much of that i don't give a hoot"

The Coloradan than produces a micro-brew from his pack, opens the bottle. He enjoys his beer eyeballing the californian and texan, who now seem sad they waisted their drinks. Once he downs the last gulp he shoots both the californian and texan, and pulls another beer from his pack. He then says "We have plenty of both of them, but i would never waste a good beer"

[Funrover]

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure. A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. 'Nurse,' he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my testicles black?'

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies 'I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body.'

He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my testicles black?'

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around and around gently. Then, she takes a close look and says, 'No sir, they aren't and I assure you, there's nothing wrong with them, Sir !!'

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, 'Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely... ' A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - back ?

[Chris]

Use your most gracious southern belle accent for this one.

Three southern belles are talking about how wonderful their husbands are.

The first one says "my husband is so wonderful he gave me an unlimited Visa card to buy clothes"

The other two reply "That's so nice."

The second says "my husband loves me so much he sends me to the spa for full beauty treatment every week.

The other two reply "That's so nice."

The third says "my husband loves me so much he sent me to etiquette school so I'd learn to say "That's so nice instead of f@ck you."

[Funrover]

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up.

One is an aussie in his early sixties and the other is a gorgeous blond in her mid-twenties.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it..”
“This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history.
Here's your equipment --chair, whip and a gun.
Who wants to try out first?"
The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the
chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage.

The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body..

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to
her and starts licking her feet and ankles.
He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life."

He then turns to the aussie and asks, "Can you do better than that?"

The aussie replies, "No worries mate, just get that lion out of there."

[Funrover]

Punographics...


I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

PMS jokes aren't funny; period.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

We are going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pointless.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

Velcro — what a rip off!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government's fault.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

[Hypoid]

I would like to share an experience with you all, about drinking and driving:

As you well know, some of us have been known to have had rare brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.

A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends. I had a few too many beers, and some rather nice red wine. Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before .... I took a bus home.

Sure enough, I passed a roadblock. As it was a bus, they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise. I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it from!

If you know of anybody missing a bus, please let me know so I can arrange to return it.

[Funrover]

An older lady named Ida was somewhat lonely since her cat died and decided she needed another pet to keep her company. So, off to the pet shop she went. She searched and searched. None of the pets seemed to catch her interest, except this ugly frog. As she walked by the jar he was in, she looked and he winked at her.

He whispered, 'I'M SO LONELY, TOO. BUY ME AND TAKE ME HOME.. YOU WON'T EVER BE SORRY.'

Ida figured, what the heck! She hadn't found anything else. So she bought the frog. She placed him in the car, on the front seat beside her.

As she was slowly driving down the road, the frog whispered to her 'KISS ME AND YOU WON'T BE SORRY..'!

So, Ida figured, WHAT THE HECK, and kissed the frog.

IMMEDIATELY the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous, sexy, young, handsome prince

THE PRINCE THEN RETURNED IDA'S KISS.

SUDDENLY IDA FELT HERSELF TRANSFORMING FROM HIS KISS. NOW
CAN YOU GUESS WHAT IDA TURNED INTO?

COME ON GUESS!



*

*

*

*

*


SHE TURNED INTO the first Holiday Inn SHE COULD FIND!!!

She's old...... NOT DEAD!!!!!

[Rick]

:eek::lmao::lmao::lmao:

[Chris]

Good one Aaron! :lmao:

[Tom]

:lmao:

[Hypoid]

The ultimate ethnic joke




An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans,











walk into a very fine restaurant.


After scrutinizing the group, the Maitre D says "I'm sorry",..........

*

*




*







"You can't come in here without a Thai. "

[Rob]

:lmao::lmao::lmao: That ... is funny.

[Java]

x2!!! :thumb:

[Funrover]

An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but
the wife felt romantic and wanted to talk.
She said, "You use to hold my hand when we were courting."
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said, "Then you used to kiss me."
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled
down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said, "Then you use to bite my neck."
Angrily, he threw back the blankets and got out of bed.
"Where are you going?" she asked.

"To get my teeth!""

[Rick]

:lmao::lmao:

[Funrover]

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead went into a bar and ordered their drinks from the bartender.

Brunette: "I'll have a B and C."

Bartender:"What is a B and C?".

Brunette: "Bourbon and Coke."

Redhead: "And, I'll have a G and T."

Bartender: "What's a G and T?"

Redhead: "Gin and tonic."

Blonde: "I'll have a 15."

Bartender: "What's a 15?"

Blonde: "7 and 7"

[Funrover]

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the
house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, "Honey,
pack your bags. I won the lottery!"
The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain
stuff?" "Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get out."

[Funrover]

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when Steven a tall,
exceptionally handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.

The young-at-heart man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly towards her (as any man would). Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, 'I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00......

On one condition'

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, 'You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.'

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly and meaningfully said....
































'Clean my House.

[Funrover]

According to a news report, a certain private Catholic school was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.

That was fine provided it was of a natural or neutral skin tone, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them; and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally, the principal, Sister Mary, decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian, who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, Sister Mary asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


Johnny's Mother looked out the window and noticed him "playing church" with their cat.

He had the cat sitting quietly and he was preaching to it. She smiled and went about her work. A while later she heard loud meowing and hissing and ran back To the open window to see Johnny baptizing the cat in a tub of water.

She called out, "Johnny, stop that! The cat is afraid of water!"

Johnny looked up at her and said, "He should have thought about that before he joined my church."

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

DR. SEUSS ON OLD AGE

I cannot see

I cannot pee

I cannot chew

I cannot screw

My memory shrinks

My hearing stinks

No sense of smell

I look like hell

My body's drooping

Have trouble pooping

The Golden Years have come at last

The Golden Years can *(you know what)*

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You know you are getting old when:

All the names in your speed dial end in MD

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Husband takes the wife to a disco.

There's a guy on the dance floor giving it large - break dancing, moon
walking, back flips, the works.

The wife turns to her husband and says: "See that guy?

25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."

Husband says:

"Looks like he's still celebrating!!!

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A group of 40-year-old girlfriends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the waiters there had tight pants and nice bums.

10 years later at 50 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food there was very good, the wine selection was good also, and the waiters were cute.

10 years later at 60 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they could eat there in peace and quiet, the restaurant had a beautiful view of the ocean, and the waiters were sweet boys.

10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the restaurant was wheel chair accessible, they even had an elevator, and the waiters were kind.

10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before.

[Funrover]

For men only !!!!!!! Seriously !!!!!
WHY MEN ARE SELDOM DEPRESSED:
Men Are Just Happier People --
What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, He or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives On December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.

[Funrover]

Red Neck Manners
Tips From the Redneck Book of Manners


1.



Never take a beer to a job interview.



2.



Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.



3.



It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.



4.



If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.



5.



Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.



Dining Out



1.



If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.



2.



Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs.



ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME



1.



A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.



2.



Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.



PERSONAL HYGIENE



1.



While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys



2.



Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.



3.



Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.



DATING (OUTSIDE THE FAMILY)



1.



Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.



2.



Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: 'I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago.'



3.



Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say 'Monday.' If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.



4.



Always have a positive comment about your date's appearance, such as, 'Ya'll sure don't sweat much for a fat gal.'



WEDDINGS



1.



Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.



2.



Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.



3.



For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance.



4.



Though uncomfortable, say 'yes' to socks and shoes for this special occasion.



5.



It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good his wife is in the sack.



DRIVING ETIQUETTE



1.



Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.



2.



When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.



3.



Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.



4.



When sending your wife/girlfriend down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.



5.



Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.



6.



Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.



TWO REASONS WHY IT IS HARD TO SOLVE A REDNECK MURDER:



1.



All the DNA is the same.



2.



There are no dental records

- - - Updated - - -

Red Neck Manners
Tips From the Redneck Book of Manners


1.



Never take a beer to a job interview.



2.



Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.



3.



It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.



4.



If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.



5.



Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.



Dining Out



1.



If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers covering the label.



2.



Avoid throwing bones and food scraps on the floor as the restaurant may not have dogs.



ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME



1.



A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.



2.



Do not allow the dog to eat at the table no matter how good his manners are.



PERSONAL HYGIENE



1.



While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be done in private using one's OWN truck keys



2.



Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.



3.



Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.



DATING (OUTSIDE THE FAMILY)



1.



Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.



2.



Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: 'I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago.'



3.



Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00 PM; others might say 'Monday.' If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.



4.



Always have a positive comment about your date's appearance, such as, 'Ya'll sure don't sweat much for a fat gal.'



WEDDINGS



1.



Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.



2.



Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.



3.



For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and a clean bowling shirt can create too sporty an appearance.



4.



Though uncomfortable, say 'yes' to socks and shoes for this special occasion.



5.



It is not appropriate to tell the groom how good his wife is in the sack.



DRIVING ETIQUETTE



1.



Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is loaded, and the deer is in sight.



2.



When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires always has the right of way.



3.



Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.



4.



When sending your wife/girlfriend down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to ask her to bring back beer.



5.



Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when driving.



6.



Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.



TWO REASONS WHY IT IS HARD TO SOLVE A REDNECK MURDER:



1.



All the DNA is the same.



2.



There are no dental records

[RockyMtnHigh]

BAD PARROT

A young man named Randy received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.
Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

Randy tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, Randy was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. Randy shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. Randy, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.

Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, Randy quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Randy's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

Randy was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly,

"May I ask what the turkey did?"


Happy Thanksgiving!

[Rick]

:lmao::lmao:

[Funrover]

Irish Mirror
(I hope this brightens up your day!)

After living in the remote countryside of Ireland all his life,
an old Irishman decided it was time to visit Dublin.

In one of the stores, he picked up a mirror and looked into it.
Not ever having seen a mirror before, he remarked at the image
staring back at him.
'How 'bout that! he exclaimed, 'Here's a picture of my Fadder.'

He bought the mirror thinking it was a picture of his dad, but on the
way home he remembered his wife didn't like his father,
so he hung it in the shed, and every morning before leaving to go fishing,
he would go there and look at it.

His wife began to get suspicious of his many trips to the shed.
So one day after her husband left, she went to the shed and found the mirror.

As she looked into the glass, she fumed,
'So that's the ugly woman he's running around with.'

[Jackie]

An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it'. And on and on and on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.

He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'

[Rob]

Came across a new batch of interesting headlines (if you want to see them in print, go here: http://www.freakonomics.com/2012/12/05/homicide-victims-rarely-talk-to-police-and-other-horrible-headlines/?utm_source=twitterfeed&utm_medium=linkedin)

Diana was still alive hours before she died

Missippi's literacy program shows improvement

Bugs flying around with wings are flying bugs

Republicans turned off by size of Obama's package

Illiteracy an obstable, study says

A-Rod goes deep, Wang hurt

Study shows teen pregnancy drops off significantly after age 25

Federal agents raid gun shop, find weapons

Marijuana sent to a joint committee

Homeless survive winter: Now what?

Homicide victims rarely talk to police

17 remain dead in morgue shooting spree

Worker suffers leg pain after crane drops 800-pound ball on his head

Bridges help people cross rivers

City unsure why sewer smells

Study shows frequent sex enhances pregnancy chances

Meeting on open meetings is closed

Man accused of killing lawyer receives a new attorney

Puerto Rican teen named mistress of the universe

Caskets found as workers demolish mausoleum

Meat head resigns (WASHINGTON - The head of the federal agency overseeing meat and poultry inspections is resigning, after repeated attacks by consumer groups.)

Barbershop singers bring joy to school for deaf

Hospitals resort to hiring doctors

Man with 8 DUIs blames drinking problem

New sick policy requires 2-day notice

Parents keep kids home to protest school closure

Police arrest everyone on February 22

Rally against apathy draws small crowd

Starvation can lead to health problems

The bra celebrates a pair of historic milestones this year; After 100 years of innovation, the device still holds up

Total lunar eclipse will be broadcast live on Northwoods Public Radio

Rangers get a whiff of Colon

Miracle cure kills fifth patient

[Funrover]

An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates.

Saint Peter checks his dossier and, not seeing his name there, accidentally sends him to Hell.

It doesn't take long before the engineer becomes rather dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell.

He soon begins to design and build improvements. Shortly thereafter, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators. Needless to say, the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan and says: "So, how are things in Hell?"

Satan replies: "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets, and escalators. And there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

"What!" God exclaims: "You've got an engineer?

That's a mistake - he should never have been sent to Hell. Send him to me."

"Not a chance," Satan replies: "I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him!"

God insists: "Send him back or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers: "Yeah, right. And where are you going to get a lawyer?

[Funrover]

Old age ain't for wimps....but it beats dying young.


Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw
an old man
walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and
walking slowly.

One student said to his friend:
"I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome.
Those people walk just like that."

The other student says:
"No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome.
He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in
class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They
approached him
and one of the students said to him,
"We're medical students and couldn't help
but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the
syndrome you might have.
Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said,
"I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical
students think."

The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."


The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."

The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."


So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"


The old man said,
"I thought it was GAS - but I was wrong, too!"

[Jackie]

A married couple is travelling by car from Victoria to Prince George.

Being seniors, after almost eleven hours on the road, they were too tired to continue and decided to take a room. But, they only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they checked out four hours later, the desk clerk handed them a bill for $350.00.

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He told the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.00 for four hours. Then the clerk tells him that $350.00 is the 'standard rate'. He insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to him, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for us to use.

"But we didn't use them," the husband said.

"Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.

The Manager went on to explain that the couple could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from New York , Hollywood , and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.

"But we didn't go to any of those shows," the husband said.

"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, the husband replied, "But we didn't use it!"

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the husband gave up and agreed to pay. As he didn't have the check book, he asked his wife to write the check.
She did and gave it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But ma'am, this is made out for only $50.00."

"That's correct. I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with me," she replied.

"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.

"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."

Don't mess with senior citizens..... They didn't get there by being stupid.

[CS79bronco]

Good one! Gotta remember that.

[Chris]

x2!

[The StRanger]

Thats Phuunie right there...

[glacierpaul]

Good one Jackie!!

[ColoJeeper]

Seniors


The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."
Yes, she says, "I remember it well."
OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!"
A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.
The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.
The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.
So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,
"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

[Rick]

:lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao:

[Jackie]

:smokin: So funny!

[Chris]

Love it! :lmao:

[Tom]

ROTFLMAO:lmao:

[Funrover]

I love this thread!!! Funny stuff!

[Rob]

Lena competed with a French woman and an English woman in the Breast Stroke division of an English Channel swim competition.

The French woman came in first, the English woman second. Lena reached the shore completely exhausted.

She remarked, "I don't vant to complain, but I tink dose utter two girls used der arms."

[The StRanger]

Lena competed with a French woman and an English woman in the Breast Stroke division of an English Channel swim competition.

The French woman came in first, the English woman second. Lena reached the shore completely exhausted.

She remarked, "I don't vant to complain, but I tink dose utter two girls used der arms."

:lmao::lmao:

[glacierpaul]

:lmao::lmao: Good ones Don and Rob!! This is a great thread!

[Jackie]

:lmao::thumb:

[Popsgarage]

Good one Rob!

[Jackie]

Bad Day

There I was, sitting at the bar, staring at my drink, when a really big, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink, and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can’t stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I said. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the gardener, and then my dog bit me, so I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, drop the capsule in it, and was sitting here watching the poison dissolve when you show up and drink the whole thing!! But enough about me, how's your day going?"

[Rob]

:lmao:


But enough about me, how's your day going," , Buttercup?

[CS79bronco]

Hallmark Misfits....


The Dysfunctional Section of a Hallmark Store...

1. I always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. And now
that you've come into my life... (Inside card) - I've changed my mind.

2. I must admit, you brought religion into my life...
(Inside card) - I never believed in Hell until I met you.

3. As the days go by, I think how lucky I am....
(Inside card) - That you're not here to ruin it for me.

4. Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go...
(Inside card) - Will you take the knife from my back? You'll probably
need it again.

5. Someday I hope to marry...
(Inside card) - Someone other than you.

6. Happy Birthday! You look great for your age....
(Inside card) - Almost life like!

7. When we were together, you said you'd die for me...
(Inside card) - Now we've broken up, I think it's time to keep your
promise.

8. We've been friends for a very long time...
(Inside card) - What do you say we stop?

9. I'm so miserable without you...
(Inside card) - It's almost like you're still here.

10. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy....
(Inside card) - Did you ever find out who the father was?

11. You are such a good friend. If we were on a sinking ship and there
was only one life jacket... (Inside card) - I'd miss you terribly and
think of you often.

12. Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday...
(Inside card) - So we're having you put to sleep.

13. Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad! (Available only in Alabama, Mississippi,
and Arkansas)

14. Looking back over the years we've been together, I can't help but
wonder..... (Inside card) - What was I thinking?

15. Congratulations on your wedding day.....
(Inside card) - Too bad no one likes your husband!

[Popsgarage]

Now those are funny!!!!!!:lmao:

[Chris]

Thanks for a good laugh Charles! :lmao:

[Jackie]

I gotta save that one, Charles! :lmao:

[CS79bronco]

precious wabbits

> >A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest
> >little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"
> >
> >As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that he's
on
> >her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft and
> >fuwwy bwack wabbit or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over
> >there?"
> >
> >She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees,
> >leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't think my pet python
> >weally gives a thit."

[Java]

Not a joke, but there is finally a radio station that isn't 90's rehash or pop garbage- 103.1 is now 24/7 comedy. It's great!!!

[Shane]

Not a joke, but there is finally a radio station that isn't 90's rehash or pop garbage- 103.1 is now 24/7 comedy. It's great!!!
I listen to to it everyday. Pretty good stuff on there.

[Funrover]

After the North American Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, 'Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona .' The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, 'I'd like the best beer in the world,
give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser.' The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says, 'I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors.' He gets it.

The guy from Molson Canadian sits down and says, 'Give me a Coke.'
The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask,
'Why aren't you drinking a Molson's?'

The Molson Canadian president replies,
'Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I.'

[CS79bronco]

Subject: Driving to the office this morning on the Interstate,

Driving to the office this morning on the Interstate,
I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a
brand newCadillac doing 65 mph with her face up next
to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner.
I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked
back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on
that makeup.
As a man, I don't scare easily. But she scared me so
much;
I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut
out of my other hand.
In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the
car using my knees against the steering wheel, it
knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell
into the coffee between my legs, splashed, and burned
Big Jim and theTwins, ruined the damn phone,soaked my
trousers,and disconnected and important call.

Women should not be allowed to drive! !

[Brian]

Notes from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

Recently I was honoured to be selected as an outstanding famous celebrity in Texas, to be a judge at a Chili cook-off, because no one else wanted to do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me that I could have free beer during the tasting. So I accepted.

Here are the scorecards from the event:

CHILI # 1: MIKE'S MANIC MONSTER CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A little to heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with this stuff. I needed two beers to put the flames out. Hope that's the worst one. Those Texans are crazy.

CHILI # 2: ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI

JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavour. Needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave of two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich manoeuvre. They had to walkie-talkie in three extra beers when they saw the look on my face.

CHILI # 3: FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili. A bit salty. Good use of red peppers.

FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced.

CHILI # 4: BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC

JUDGE ONE: Black Bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods. Not much of a chili.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb ***** is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I'm eating.

CHILI # 5: LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, and I can no linger focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly from a pitcher onto it. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Freakin' Rednecks! ! !

CHILI # 6: VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions and garlic.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!

CHILI # 7: SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum. Tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge # 3.

FRANK: You could put a #)$^@#*&! Grenade in my mouth, pull the #)$^@#*&! pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my X*$(@#^&$ mouth. My pants are full of lava-like ****, to match my X*$(@#^&$ shirt. At least the during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the four inch hole in my stomach.

CHILI # 8: HELEN'S MOUNT SAINT CHILI

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending. This is a nice blend chili, safe for all; not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good balanced chili, neither mild now hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor Yank.

FRANK: - - - - - Mama?- - - (Editor's Note: Judge # 3 was unable to report).

[The StRanger]

OMG Thats funny...

[CS79bronco]

Subject: Terrorists


Recently we have received credible intelligence that there have been
seven terrorists working in your office. Six of the seven have been
apprehended. Bin Sleepin, Bin Loafin, Bin Goofin, Bin Lunchin, Bin
Drinkin and Bin Ass-Kissin have all been taken into custody.

At this time, no one fitting the description of the seventh cell member, Bin Workin, has been found at your office. We are confident that anyone who looks like he's Bin Workin will be very easy to spot.

You are OBVIOUSLY not a suspect at this time. So keep on doing what you Bin Doing.

[glacierpaul]

:lmao::lmao: :lmao: From Doinks post - 'The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage.':lmao:

[RockyMtnHigh]

Europe's response to North Korea

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

[glacierpaul]

:lmao::lmao::lmao: 'These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really look at the old Spanish navy.' :lmao: The French, ouch!!

[CS79bronco]

A Sunday after Church joke. Or after Mass I suppose.
SIPPING VODKA

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.
The monsignor replied, " When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."
So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.
He proceeded to talk up a storm.
Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:
1. Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say " Eat me"
12. The Virgin Mary is not called " Mary with the Cherry,.
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at ST.Peter's not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
The Origination of this letter is unknown, but it brings good luck to everyone who passes it on. The one who breaks the chain will have bad luck.
Do not keep this letter. Do not send money just forward it to five of your friends to whom you wish good luck and a great laugh.
You will see that something good happens to you four days from now if the chain is not broken....

[ColoJeeper]

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.

This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. ... The case came up in court.

The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. .

The man replied, 'Well your Honor, it was like this...when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition.

She sat down under a sign that said, ‘The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.

Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile.

Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.

But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!' .... I just lost it!

[Funrover]

LMAO!! Always makes me smile!

[Brian]

A woman came home just in time to find her husband
in bed with another woman. With superhuman strength borne of fury, she
dragged her husband down the stairs to the garage and put his manhood in
a vice.

She then secured it tightly and removed the handle. Next she
picked up a hacksaw.
The husband terrified, screamed, "Stop! Stop! You're
not going to cut it off are you?"
The wife, with a gleam of revenge in her eye, said,
"Nope. You are. I'm
going to set the garage on fire."

[Jackie]

Good one, Brian!

[The StRanger]

OK, Lets see how this goes.

[CS79bronco]

How To Replace Mouse Balls
I don't know how they wrote this with a straight face. This was a real memo sent out by a computer company
(IBM) to its employees in all seriousness. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem.
The author of this memo was quite genuine. The engineers rolled on the floor! Especially note the last couple of sentences.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Re: Replacement of Mouse Balls.
If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement.
Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units). Because of the delicate nature of this
procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.
Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist-off method.
Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items. Please keep in mind that a
customer without properly working balls is an unhappy customer.

[glacierpaul]

what an awesome thread!!!
Sam, love the post! Raising up my kids with that philosophy, they are surrounded by sheep IMO. My kids will be leaders!

[Popsgarage]

what an awesome thread!!!
Sam, love the post! Raising up my kids with that philosophy, they are surrounded by sheep IMO. My kids will be leaders!

I couldn't agree more!

[The StRanger]

Teaching Dahl, Win or Lose with Grace ...

[CS79bronco]

Subject: Fw: Virus Alert
It hit me. I hope you are not infected.
Another New Virus..
I thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus. Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one. It appears to affect those who were born prior to 1955.
Symptoms:
1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice.
2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail.
3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person.
4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you.
5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.
6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished.
7. Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND."
8. Causes you to hit "SEND" when you should "DELETE."
IT IS CALLED THE "C-NILE VIRUS."

I know I have it.


















It hit me. I hope you are not infected.
Another New Virus..
I thought you would want to know about this e-mail virus. Even the most advanced programs from Norton or McAfee cannot take care of this one. It appears to affect those who were born prior to 1955.
Symptoms:
1. Causes you to send the same e-mail twice.
2. Causes you to send a blank e-mail.
3. Causes you to send e-mail to the wrong person.
4. Causes you to send it back to the person who sent it to you.
5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.
6. Causes you to hit "SEND" before you've finished.
7. Causes you to hit "DELETE" instead of "SEND."
8. Causes you to hit "SEND" when you should "DELETE."
IT IS CALLED THE "C-NILE VIRUS."

I know I have it.




















[ColoJeeper]

A man wakes up one morning in Alaska to find a bear on his roof.

He looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers."

He calls the number and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.

The bear remover arrives and gets out of his van.
He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.

"What are you going to do," the homeowner asks?

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof
with this baseball bat.
When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go.
The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

[Rick]

:lmao::lmao::lmao::lmao:

[CS79bronco]

https://mail.google.com/mail/?ui=2&ik=56f8d5d7ff&view=att&th=13e62add845575cd&attid=0.2&disp=emb&zw&atsh=1

11 PEOPLE ... ON A ROPE
Eleven people were hanging on a rope, under a helicopter. 10 men and 1 woman. The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, Because otherwise they were all going to fall. They weren't able to choose that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or for men in general and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return. As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping . . .. . . .



PLEASE SEND THIS MAIL TO ALL INTELLIGENT WOMEN.

[Funrover]

ROFLMAO!!! Funny right there!!!

[Rick]

, all the men started clapping . . .. . .every time!!!!!!!

[CS79bronco]

WHY THERE ARE TERRORISTS
Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide Let's see now.................
No Jesus,
No Christmas,
No television,
No cheerleaders,
No baseball,
No football,
No basketball,
No hockey,
No golf,
No tailgate parties,
No 4-wheelin,
No Wal-Mart,
No Home Depot,
No pork BBQ,
No hot dogs,
No burgers,
No chocolate chip cookies,
No lobster,
No shellfish, or even frozen fish sticks,
No gumbo,
No jambalaya.
Rags for clothes and towels for hats.
Constant wailing from the guy next-door because he's sick and there are no doctors.
Constant wailing from the guy in the tower.
More than one wife.
You can't shave.
Your wives can't shave.
You can't shower to wash off the smell of donkey cooked over burning camel dung.
The women have to wear baggy dresses and veils at all times.
Your bride is picked by someone else.
She smells just like your donkey.
But your donkey has a better disposition.
Then they tell you that when you die it all gets better!

I mean, really, is there a mystery here?

[Chris]

A litte girl ran to her Grandfather, jumped into his arms and gave him a great big hug.

Then she ran her fingers along his balding head and down the side of his wrinkled face.
"Did God make you Graddad?" she asked.
"Yes honey, he made me." She felt her own cheek and asked "Did God make me too?"
"Yes honey he made you too."

"Well" she shrugged "Don't you think he's doing a better job now?"

[CS79bronco]

Remember???????????

I don't remember if I sent this one out.........
I don't think I did...or did you send it to me??


http://f1610.mail.vip.bf1.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=2%5f0%5f0%5f1%5f472772%5fAN4nvs4AARqY QTIbEgRxpmrM9Rg&pid=2.5&fid=Inbox&inline=1
Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...

God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.


http://f1610.mail.vip.bf1.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=2%5f0%5f0%5f1%5f472772%5fAN4nvs4AARqY QTIbEgRxpmrM9Rg&pid=2.6&fid=Inbox&inline=1Now that I'm 'older' (but refuse to grow up), here's what I've discovered:

1 I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2 My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
3 I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
4 Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
5 Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
6 All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.
7 If all is not lost, where is it?
8 It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
9 Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
10. Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
11. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few...
12. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
13. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
14. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
15 It's hard to make a come back when you haven't been anywhere.
16. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.
17. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
18. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?
19. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
20. It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere.
21. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
22. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter.. I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.
23. I AM UNABLE TO REMEMBER IF I HAVE MAILED THIS TO YOU OR NOT!
24. Funny, I don't remember being . . . . . absent minded...


http://f1610.mail.vip.bf1.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=2%5f0%5f0%5f1%5f472772%5fAN4nvs4AARqY QTIbEgRxpmrM9Rg&pid=2.7&fid=Inbox&inline=1Now, I think you're supposed to send this to 5 or 6, maybe 8, maybe 10, oh, heck, just send it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are. Then something is supposed to happen..I think. Maybe you get your memory back or something! I think...

[Funrover]

A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.."

They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theater followed by drinks. They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.

After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!

"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No," she replies,




Wait for it...





It's coming...




The suspense is killing you, isn't it?






She said...

"You just happened to catch my eye."

[Funrover]

Young people have theirs, now Seniors have their own texting codes:

* ATD - At The Doctor's

* BFF - Best Friends Funeral

* BTW- Bring The Wheelchair

* BYOT - Bring Your Own Teeth

* CBM - Covered By Medicare

*CUATSC - See You At The Senior Centre

* DWI - Driving While Incontinent

* FWIW - Forgot Where I Was

* GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low

* GHA - Got Heartburn Again

* HGBM - Had Good Bowel Movement

* LMDO - Laughing My Dentures Out

* LOL - Living On Lipitor

* OMSG - Oh My! Sorry, Gas

* TOT - Texting On Toilet

* WAITT- Who Am I Talking To?


Hope these help.

GGLKI - Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking In

[Funrover]

MALE LOGIC

Woman:
Do you drink beer?

Man: Yes

Woman:
How many beers a day?

Man:
Usually about 3

Woman:
How much do you pay per beer?

Man: $5.00 which includes a tip


(This is where it gets scary!)

Woman:
And how long have you been drinking?

Man:
About 20 years, I suppose

Woman:
So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 …correct?

Man:
Correct

Woman:
If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?

Man:
Correct

Woman:
Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting
for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man:
Do you drink beer?

Woman:
No

Man:
Where’s your Ferrari?

[Funrover]

Good Kisser

A man was driving home from work one day when he noticed a beautiful woman standing on a bridge preparing to jump into the raging river below. "What are you doing? " He asked "I am going to jump off this bridge and end my miserable life." she replied." Well before you do how about a kiss ?'' The woman grabbed him and French kissed him like he had never been kissed before. This continued for about five minutes. The man wiped the lipstick off his face and asked the lady. "Why would such a beautiful young lady that can kiss like that want to jump off a bridge anyway?" "Because" she said crying "My parents are always all my case about dressing up like a woman all the time."

[Funrover]

This is mythical and deep ... Truly beautiful.

A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name.
He replied, "She is called Five Horses".

The man said, "That's an unusual name for a wife. What does it mean?"
The Old Indian answered, "It is an old Indian name. It means:"


"NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!"

[Funrover]

There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone brother
2. He liked Gospel
3. He didn't get a fair trial

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business
2. He lived at home until he was 33
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with His hands
2. He had wine with His meals
3. He used olive oil


But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut His hair
2. He walked around barefoot all the time
3. He started a new religion


But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian:
1. He was at peace with nature
2. He ate a lot of fish
3. He talked about the Great Spirit


But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.


But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a Woman:

1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was virtually no food

2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it

3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was still work to do

[Popsgarage]

"You just happened to catch my eye."

Now that's funny!!!!!!!

[Brian]

An elderly couple are attending church services. About halfway through, she writes a note and hands it to her husband.


It says, "I just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?"

He scribbles back, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

[Chris]

"Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

:lmao: Good one!

[The StRanger]

An elderly couple are attending church services. About halfway through, she writes a note and hands it to her husband.


It says, "I just let out a silent fart. What do you think I should do?"

He scribbles back, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."
Phuunie !!!

[CS79bronco]

Subject: FW: Parking lot Scam - Be Careful Guys

I am a victim of the latest scam which is happening in shopping mall parking lots. Two good looking young women come to your car as you are parking, one starts wiping your windshield with a rag and the other comes to your window and bends over so far her breasts just about fall out of her blouse. While you're distracted, the other one lets herself in the backseat and then they both start begging you for a ride home. Be very wary, because as soon as you start driving, one of them will take off her shirt and rub her breasts on you while the other climbs over the seat and unzips your pants. This is when they steal your wallet.
I was robbed last Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday, but I couldn't find them on Saturday or Sunday.

http://f1610.mail.vip.bf1.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=2%5f0%5f0%5f1%5f476218%5fAE8xvs4AAE4F Q%2b%2f6NgFNMWvHBjs&pid=2.2&fid=Inbox&inline=1&appid=yahoomail

[CS79bronco]

http://f1610.mail.vip.bf1.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=2%5f0%5f0%5f1%5f426381%5fAFUxvs4AAH%2 bRRMWW9g21oylcLZE&pid=1.2&fid=Inbox&inline=1&appid=yahoomail

[The StRanger]

Subject: FW: Parking lot Scam - Be Careful Guys

I am a victim of the latest scam which is happening in shopping mall parking lots. Two good looking young women come to your car as you are parking, one starts wiping your windshield with a rag and the other comes to your window and bends over so far her breasts just about fall out of her blouse. While you're distracted, the other one lets herself in the backseat and then they both start begging you for a ride home. Be very wary, because as soon as you start driving, one of them will take off her shirt and rub her breasts on you while the other climbs over the seat and unzips your pants. This is when they steal your wallet.
I was robbed last Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday, but I couldn't find them on Saturday or Sunday.
http://f1610.mail.vip.bf1.yahoo.com/ya/download?mid=2%5f0%5f0%5f1%5f476218%5fAE8xvs4AAE4F Q%2b%2f6NgFNMWvHBjs&pid=2.2&fid=Inbox&inline=1&appid=yahoomail

:2thumbup:

[Popsgarage]

I was robbed last Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday, but I couldn't find them on Saturday or Sunday.

:thumb:

[ColoJeeper]

Having an affair...



A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight. While en route home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.
The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agrees.


Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip-toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back, and there is his wife in bed with another man!


The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouts, "Don't do it! I've been lying when I told you I inherited money.
"HE paid for the Corvette I gave you.
HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.
He paid for your Packer season tickets.
HE paid for our house at the lake.
He paid for our country club membership, and
HE even pays the monthly dues!"

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, "What would you do?"

The cabby replies, "I'd cover his ass with that blanket before he catches cold."

[carpenle]

Divorced and DrunkPrevious (http://www.jokes.com/funny-men-women/elcuge/drop-in) Next (http://www.jokes.com/funny-men-women/klxzpa/dubya--do-) A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at an old drunken lady swigging her gin as she sits alone at a nearby table, until the wife asks,
"Do you know her?"
"Yes," sighs the husband, "She's my ex-wife. She took to drinking right after we divorced seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says the wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

[alexb]

https://lh5.googleusercontent.com/-KHEULI_lDcU/UlaknxSL3RI/AAAAAAAAACA/nb9TN54Knc8/w426-h571/2013+-+1

[ColoJeeper]

Jeff Gordon's Pit Crew Fired


AP Wire -- Raleigh , NC


Jeff Gordon announced today that he was firing his entire pit crew. This announcement followed Gordon's decision to take advantage of President Obama's plan to employ Harlem youngsters. The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Harlem were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Gordon's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with thousands of dollars’ worth of high tech equipment.


It was thought to be an excellent and bold move by Gordon's management team, as many races are won or lost in the pits.


However, Gordon got more than he bargained for. At the crew's first practice session, not only was the inexperienced crew able to change all 4 wheels in under 6 seconds, but within 9 seconds they had changed the paint scheme, altered the VIN number, and sold the car to Dale Earnhardt Jr. for 10 cases of Bud, and a bag of weed.

[Jim]

As a funeral director, I take every chance I get to tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.

Because if there was ever a zombie apocalypse, it would be bleeding hilarious.

[Jim]

At the end of his sermon the pastor asked if anyone in the congregation wanted to express praise for answered prayers.

Suzie Smith stood up and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Phil, was in a terrible motorcycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."

A muffled gasp arose from the men in the congregation as the thought of the pain poor Phil must have experienced sank in.

"Phil was hurt so badly that he couldn't even hold me or the kids," Suzie continued. "Every movement caused terrible pain. We prayed when his doctors performed the delicate operation required to repair the extensive damage. Luckily they were able to piece the crushed and broken remnants of Phil's scrotum together and wrap it in wire to hold everything in place."

Again, the male half of the congregation squirmed uncomfortably, cringing at the thought of what Phil went through.

"Today," Suzie announced in a quivering voice, "Thanks to the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital. His doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

A great sigh of relief arose from the pews. The shaken pastor stood and tentatively asked if anyone else had anything to say.

A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He looked around the congregation and said, "I'm Phil." The entire assembly held its collective breath. "I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum."

[Popsgarage]

"I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum."

Musta been a blonde!!!!!!!!!! FROFLMAO!!!!!

[Funrover]

LMAO!!!!!

[CS79bronco]

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?'
'Eight', the boy replied.
The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'
The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four."
"Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin.
"Yes." the boy said. "We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do none of those."

[Brian]

hahhahaha:lmao:

[Popsgarage]

:thumb:Awesome!!!!!!!!!!

[Tom]

​ My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, "Do you know him?" "Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since." "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?" And then the fight started...

[The StRanger]

OMG Thats funny
I could sleep on the couch for that joke !!

[Popsgarage]

OMG Thats funny
I could sleep on the couch for that joke !!

Agreed!!!!!!!!!!!

[Brian]

A hooded robber burst into a bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.

On his way out the door a brave customer grabbed
the hood and pulled it off revealing the robber's face.


The robber shot the customer without a moment's
hesitation.


He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the
tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also.


Everyone else, by now very scared, looked intently
down at the floor in silence.


The robber yelled, "Well, did anyone else see my
face?"

There are a few moments of utter silence in which
everyone was plainly afraid to speak. Then one old man tentatively raised his hand and said, "My wife got a pretty good look at you."

[Popsgarage]

"My wife got a pretty good look at you."

Good one!

[Jim]

Happy New Year All !!!!
Let's start it off with a good laugh!!!!








HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD.




WELL . . .YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE.




MY NAME IS ALICE, AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST.










I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA ON THE WALL, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME. SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO.










COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?










UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.










THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.










AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL.










'YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG,' HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.








WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?' I ASKED.








HE ANSWERED, 'IN 1975. WHY DO YOU ASK?'








YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!', I EXCLAIMED.








HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.








THEN, THAT UGLY,








OLD,








BALD,








WRINKLED FACED,








FAT-ASSED,








GRAY-HAIRED,








DECREPIT








SON-OF-A-*****








ASKED,








'WHAT DID YOU TEACH???

[Popsgarage]

HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!