need some fmaily advice please

[94ToyBear]

I hate to put this out there but I need some nonbias*advice.* Any advice is greatly appreciated.*15 month ago I became a new dad and also got a huge increase in pay due to a job promotions. The small house I was renting with my girl friend and new born became just to dangerous to live in. Our baby being only 3 month we decided to get outa there before anything bad happend.**During that same time 15 months ago my parents business started struggling very bad which in turn made it hard for them to pay their mortgage. 12 months ago my girlfriend and I decided to leave our lincoln log set* house and help my parents out financially and move back in to the house I grew up in. ( 5 bedroom 2 bath house and we share the kitchen Now)....with the house payment allways taken care of (1100) payed on time for one year now and my parent's pay me back 450 when ever they can.****It now seems my girlfriend and I have taken over all house hold responsibilities in most ways.*** Me being a new dad still fells like my time I need to build my relationship with my new family in being stripped away by parent's.*** I can't help but help my family especially my mom n dad.**** This I* turn has put. A huge load on my relationship with my lady and son....* I'm allways stressed out trying to fix there problem for it wont turn in to something worst that ill have to deal with anyways. Another thing is theres a lot of grandchildren over for the summer ages ranging from 2 to 15....* at this point there is allways a mess to pick up food and babys milk allways first to go soon to be replaced by my dad and soon to be gone by teenage boys...** we don't feel like we actully have a home to show for our hard work to keep my parents from a worst sisituation.***With that long story short with the major details and missing all the small daily BSMy question is..... how do I tell my parents that we need to move on that I can't help them out now more. And I ned to start my life with my family now.**** I can see them says ok that's fine but I know not soon after I will be back helping them one way or another.* :confused:((Sorry for any typos first I suck at spelling second I'm writing this from my phone)If anyone fells this is out of 4x4 chat discussion please pm me so I know and ill take this off.*

[Tom]

Very, very tough situation. I'm not at all certain I have an answer for you, but one thing seems certain and that is your parents are living beyond their means. I would begin talks about thier moving to a small apt-house that they can afford. It seems as if you could get that accomplished then you could moven on without feeling guilty.

You do need to give your child and girlfriend/wife the attention they deserve and require. IMO that come first. I think you see that too.

Good luck.

[Chris]

First, good for you for helping your parents. Second, IMHO your girlfriend and son come before your parents in terms of your responsibilities. It sounds like this involves a lot more than just the five of you with the additional grandchildren so there must be other adults involved as well.

Tom's comments seem in line and having some serious discussion with your parents is the start. I suggest telling them that the current situation is putting stress on you and that you need to focus on your immediate family (GF/son) and your relationship with them and you'll try to continue to help as you can. If they understand, great! If they try to guilt you don't buy in to it or argue. As adults they have to deal with their situation, disrupting your life is not acceptable.

Good luck and start working towards moving out now. The longer you stay the worse it will get.

[xaza]

I feel much the same as Chris and Tom except my parents well being would come first. Easy for me to say since my parents have both moved on. As much as I put my parents through while growing up they would have to be returned the favor. As was said before they are adults and they need to learn to live within whatever new budget they have. I have a feeling economy has caused a concern with selling the house which definitely makes a resolution more difficult. If selling the house is not an option, perhaps turning it into a rental would help them to afford a small apartment. You might even be able to be the renter. In regard to your responsibilities as a spouse/dad, they are what they are and you are the only one who can do that. I am sure they are understanding of the situation and know it won't be forever. My brother currently lives with me so that I can help him so he can help his folks since both Mom and Dad can't work due to medical issues. IMO you will be able to figure a way, the fact that you are torn here shows you are on the right track. Tough issue, I hope things work out.

[Rick]

IMHO your girlfriend and son come before your parents in terms of your responsibilitiesI agree 100%.... this same situation happened to me 20 yrs ago...Got out of the Navy ,moved in w/ the inlaws to help out and it started wearing on our relationship.....we moved out ,bought a house but with doing that pulled in all the other brothers and sisters to help mom and dad with finances.....150 bucks out of each house hold(3) and we mow and take care of normal household issues....it worked for us and YES Mom and Dad took care of you for 18 yrs so Yeah its nice to be able to give back.....Family is important but so is your relationship and child.I would pull in others and hash it out to help your folks and not hurt your young family

[Hypoid]

My question is..... how do I tell my parents that we need to move on that I can't help them out now more. And I ned to start my life with my family now.Straight-up!

You should have a date in mind, for these changes to take place:
Its time to take care of your primary family.
Its time to find a place of your own.
Its time for them to re-evaluate their own situation, and make the changes they need to make.

Yes, it will suck.

[CS79bronco]

Agree with what has been said so far. Do it like Mike said, straight up, all at once. Make a list, go over it with your lady, get her input, know what to say & have answers for their questions. Have your options lined up so you can move asap. I went thru similar situation with in-laws many years ago. They didn't like it but had to respect it & accept it. If you have siblings they should be responsible for helping equally with you. Best of luck.

[The StRanger]

Wished I had an answer for ya. Family is the reason I got the he!! out of Utah. My Answer would be, Youre family is youres, There family is theres, If you dont face it now all youre doing is inableing and that aint good for nobody !!
And yes, If you have brothers and/or Sisters why are you the only one helping ???

[94ToyBear]

Very, very tough situation. I'm not at all certain I have an answer for you, but one thing seems certain and that is your parents are living beyond their means. I would begin talks about thier moving to a small apt-house that they can afford. It seems as if you could get that accomplished then you could moven on without feeling guilty.

You do need to give your child and girlfriend/wife the attention they deserve and require. IMO that come first. I think you see that too.

Good luck.

I grew up with my mom n dad allways putting others first befor them self and I see its not a good thing. Theyare allways at each other and I don't want that for my family... my family and only my family is what I want. The way things should be..

[Jackie]

I have to agree with everything said so far. After my dad died, I moved back in to my parents house to take care of my mom who was seriously disabled with Parkinsons disease. I gave up a professional career I had trained for and took a part time job at a Chuckee-Cheese restaurant (I'm not kidding) because the hours allowed me to be home to take care of her. Dating was pretty much out of the question for me at the ripe-old-age of 21.

I was not getting the help and support I needed from from my brothers and sisters. Their excuses were always... "well, we have husbands/wives and kids and you don't. So it's easier for you to take care of Mom". (And I was thnking "I'll never have a husband or kids if I don't get out of here".)

Long story short... I'll never regret what I did for my mother. I did meet a great man and we have two great kids today.

I think if your parents' issues are not health-related, then they need to step-it-up and you and your GF and child need to move on. That doesn't mean turn your back on them... It just means you put your selves first. You've got a lot of years in front of you and a lot of resposibility for that little one. BE there!

[94ToyBear]

I'm gona repond when I get to a computer. Phone is a PITA do do so on.

[Desert Fox]

I am in agreement with the others. There is something missing here though. You mention other grand children. That means you have brothers or sisters. Why are they not helping too if help is actually needed? Help should be a short term solution. if the situation cant be resolved in the short term a plan should be defined to get them out of the current situation.

[glacierpaul]

Adam, very sorry to hear. I agree with all others. Good on ya for trying to help out mom and dad. But, they have to understand that they raised you to become a man who will create his own life, and not to have a son who will be at there beckon call(especially while he is a new father/significant other). Jackie said it good, "Doesn't mean turn your back on them". But, if you helping them out ruins your life with mommy and child, were the hell does that leave anyone? Saying it like that to mom and dad should precipitate good thinking on there behalf.

[Patrolman]

Adam, as many others have said, I think it is great that you were willing to help your parents, but they are adults and should be able to support themselves. You need to worry about your child first as he no way to support himself. Just a thought, could your parents move out, and you take their house? Sounds like they have more house than they need. Lots of people their age downsize. They may even find it to be a relief to be in a smaller place with less to maintain.

Also, make sure there is a date set that this will happen. Either you and your GF/son need to move out, or mom/dad need to move out, but the date can't change once it is set. Make sure you give yourself enough time with the date though, such as 90-120 days or so. Then all parties won't be surprised and have enough time to prepare.

[Chris]

As I read it Adams parents business headed south putting them in this predicament. I understand the idea that parents should be able to support themselves but the economy turned many peoples world upside down and it sounds like this is the case. We supported my mother for more years than I care to say, my three brothers did nothing so he may be "the good son" who's doing what he can to help. I'm not complaining but do understand that just because there are other siblings doesn't mean they're willing and able to help.

I don't think anyone touched on Adam's comment that they have been taking on more responsibilities as time goes on. This sounds like they are being taken advantage of by many people involved. This is the most troubling and indicative they need to make a clean break as most everyone agrees with.

[Jackie]

Here's one idea...

You say you've been paying $1,100 per month for a year and your folks give you back $450 when they can. What if you/your girl and child moved into a less expensive place (let's say $800 per month) and then were generous enough to send your parents a lil' extra money each month to help them out with the bills? At least that way you are not buying groceries that will be eaten by other grand kids (who's parents should be providing for them)... And as for the mess... I would not be easy on whoever is being a slob. Put your foot down. And you mentioned teenagers drinking the milk??? ShowTHEM How to run the lawn mower. No excuses. And there are other chores around the house that likely need to be done as well. They should pitch in, and you should insist on it or send them home. After all, you're paying the mortgage so you should set the rules.

[Patrolman]

Jackie, you sound like you have done this before. ;) No BS there!

[Jackie]

Yep. Not fun either.

[Jim]

But there is kind, and tough, love in all of those words.

[94ToyBear]

I have 3 older borthers oldest cant help what's so ever 2nd has 5 kids and a wife 3rd has helped financially up untill 15 months g
Ago and can't do it any more with a wife kid and 2 houses (1rental).... I'm the one with the highest paying job with not a lot of over head and I guess its my turn to help... but not at ghe expeance of my new family..... more to cone when I get to a comouter tonight. Thanks everyone !

[Tazer]

Adam, Jessica and I were in the same situation you were a few months ago. Her mom and her boyfriend broke up, and she couldn't afford her house anymore. So we moved in to help. At that time, we were also new parents. So it was a benefit at the time, Jessica had help with Alexis while I was at work, which made things easy. Any way after a while, our relationship started to take a toll. First Jessica and I sat down and had a talk with each other, and decided it was time to move out and make a home for our family. Once we figured that out, we sat down with her mom and had a discussion. During this talk we offered solutions, like roommates, and selling her house etc. We also offered our help to sell the house or fix it up to rent. We let her know we would still be their for her. After we talked we all understood what was going to happen, and we set dates. So her mom got a roommate, and we moved out. Since then Jessicas and my relationship has been great, and my relationship with my mother in-law has improved. I hope this helps, and its just my two cents. I guess what I am saying is try talking to your parents and come to an agreement, set a move out date, etc. If you want to talk offline let me know.

[Java]

I don't have much family experience with anything like this; but generally speaking, IMO there can always only be one boss, and that is always the guy writing the checks. 50 people discussing always comes down to one guy deciding. If it was me I wouldn't discuss it too much, Id decide what you want to do and inform them as nicely as you can of what is about to happen. You've already stepped up (which is awesome, good job!) and it doesn't sound like you're leaving anyone homeless. I can't imagine how taking yourself out of a pressure cooker like that will do anything but improve relationships in the long run.