Shameless jokes!

[Funrover]

The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blond cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun, and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure.

As he is locking him up, the Sheriff asks, "Why in the world are you dressed like this?"

The Cowboy says, "Well it's like this, Sheriff. I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her. So I did.

"We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt. So I did.

"Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants. So I did.

"Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts. So I did.

"Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'OK, cowboy, now go to town.' So I did, and here I am."

Son of a gun, blond men do exist!

[WINKY]

:2thumbs:HAHAHAHAHAHA glad im not blonde!!!!

[Chris]

That's good! :lol:

[Funrover]

Husband and wife are talking after dinner one night when the wife asks:
"honey, if I died, would you remarry?"

Husband- Yes, I guess so

Wife- Would you let her drive my car?

Husband- Yes

Wife- Would you let her wear my jewelry?

Husband- yeah

Wife- Would you let her use my golf clubs?

Husband- No way, besides, shes left handed

[Funrover]

A man with a pegleg, hook hand and an eyepatch went to apply to be a pirate.

Interviewer: How did you get that pegleg?

Pirate: Arrr. I got me leg shot off during the first world war.

Interviewer: How did you get that hook?

Pirate: I got me hand cut off by a big knife.

Interviewer: What about your eyepatch?

Pirate: It was a rainy afternoon and I looked up into the sky and a bird crapped in me eye.

Interviewer: And that put your eye out?

Pirate: No, it was the day after I got me hook.

[Funrover]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal, they lay down for the night and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. Holmes said: "Watson, look up and tell me what you see".

Watson said: "I see a fantastic panorama of countless stars".

Holmes: "And what does that tell you?"

Watson pondered for a moment: "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow."

"Why? - What does it tell you, Holmes?"

Holmes was silent for a moment then spoke: "Someone has stolen our tent."

[Funrover]

How many procrasinators does it take to change a light bulb?
One, but he has to wait until the light is better.

How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
None; it's a hardware problem.

How many bluegrass musicians does it take to change a light bulb?
Four; one to change the bulb and three to complain that it's electrified.

How many IRS agents does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but it really gets screwed.

How many beer brewers does it take to change a light bulb?
One-third less than a regular bulb.

How many dull people does it take to change a light bulb?
One.

How many Seattle Seahawks does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to screw in the bulb and the other to recover the fumble.

How many straight San Francisians does it take to change a light bulb?
Both of them.

How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to hold the giraffe and the other to put the clocks in the bathtub.

How many four wheelers does it take to change a light bulb?
Five. One to do it and four to say "I could have done that if I had his tires."

[Funrover]

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, 'Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started.'
Her boyfriend asks, 'What is it supposed to be when it's finished?
The blonde says, 'According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster.'
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, 'First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster.'
He takes her hand and says, 'Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then ...' he said with a deep sigh, . ..



'Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box.'
Reply With Quote

[Pathrat]

My day sucked so thanks for putting these up!

[WINKY]

those are good!

[gragravar]

a cowboy has been out riding the range for days. he rides into a town to grab a drink. he rides up to the saloon. a bunch of town elders are sitting out in front of the saloon and watch his approach. a cloud of dust is following this guy. after he dismounts his horse, the elders watch as he removes his hat and shakes the dust off it. he then uses the hat to beat the dust off of his vest and chaps. feeling a little cleaner he gives a nod to the elders then walks around behind his horse. he grabs the tail and lifts it up he then puckers up and gives the horse a kiss, right on its a#$ h@$&!

the town elders are horrified. one of them musters the will to talk to the stranger and asks "Why the hell did you do that?"

the stranger simply replies, "Chapped lips"

another elder speaks up, "I've never heard of such a thing. You mean to tell us that kissing a horse on its a#$ cures chapped lips?"

The stranger just shakes his head as he says, "Nope, but you sure don't lick 'em much"

:eek::eek::eek:

[Funrover]

:lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:

[Funrover]

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight. While en route home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act.

For $100, the cabby agrees. Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tiptoe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man!

The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head. The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money. HE paid for the Challenger I gave you. HE paid for our new cabin cruiser. HE paid for your season football tickets. HE paid for our house at the lake. HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!'

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do?

The cabby replies, 'I'd cover his butt with that blanket before he catches cold.'

[Funrover]

3 bulls overhear the ranchers saying that they need a new bull to enhance the blood lines.
The #1 bull puffs out his chest and says to the other 2 "30 of those 50 cows are mine and I will not give up any of them."
Bull #2 says "I worked too hard to get my 25 away from you. I sure ain't giving up any."
Bull #3 is only a year and a half and says "I only got me 5 girly friends in there and they just started to like me. I can't pass any over now."
"Well" says #1, "That settles it. This new guy is on his own. I don't care what Rancher Joe says."
The next day a big old diesel rolls in to the driveway with a trailer. It backs up to the chutes and opens the gate. Out walks the biggest, snottiest, meanest bull in the land. This thing is 2500 lbs of pure muscle. It's kicking the chutes and hooking the fences. We're talking pure hate!
Bull #1 says "Well I guess I can let some of my cows go. Just to be cordial you see."
Bull #2 says "It is only the right thing to do. Be neighborly and all."
Bull #3, the smallest and puniest of the 3, jumps over the fence into Big and Nasty's paddock and starts pawing the ground and snorting. He's making a hulluva racket.
Bull #2 says "What are you doing?"
Bull #1 says "Boy, get out of there! He'll mess you up! What are you doing?"
Bull #3 hollers back " I'm gonna make dam sure he knows I'm not a cow!"

[KnuckleHead]

I always love a good laugh at the end of the day ..... those are good guys keep them coming....

[Mporter]

haha

[porkchop]

whats the difference between a man and a bird?...... a man cant eat with his pecker

what does a polish girl and a hockey player have in common?....... they both change their pads after three periods

what does mickhael jackson and caviar have in common?........ they both come on little white crackers

lol hope thats not too dirty :lol: keep em comin

[Medic-5150]

There's three lumberjacks sitting in a bar after a long hard days work. While drinking their beer, they hear the door open. They turn around and see this city slicker guy all dressed up and manicured. He comes in and sits down next to the lumberjacks and orders a cosmopolitan. One lumberjack turns to him and says we don't like your kind in her, how about you leave? The city slicker responds "How about we play a drinking game, if I win I'll stay. If you win I'll leave.". Lumberjack says "alright, what's the game?" The city boy says "beer football" and orders a pitcher of beer. After chugging the pitcher he says "now time for the extra point". He bends over, pulls his pants down and farts. "It's good! Now it's your turn". The lumberjack says "that's it? Give me a pitcher bartender!" He chugs the beer, goes for the extra point and the guy runs up behind him and starts thrusting saying "block that shot, block that shot!"

[Funrover]

:lol:

[WINKY]

what does Micheal jackson and K-MART have in common?





























they both have little boys pants half off.

---------- Post added at 11:31 AM ---------- Previous post was at 11:31 AM ----------


whats the difference between a man and a bird?...... a man cant eat with his pecker

what does a polish girl and a hockey player have in common?....... they both change their pads after three periods

what does mickhael jackson and caviar have in common?........ they both come on little white crackers

lol hope thats not too dirty :lol: keep em comin



good ones man!

[Funrover]

How I Learned To Mind My Own Business


I was walking past the mental hospital the other day,
and all the patients were shouting, '13....13....13.'

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a
little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see
what was going on.

Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick!

Then they all started shouting, '14....14....14.'

[WINKY]

thats a good one

[Chris]

:lol: I like that one!

[Funrover]

BANNED FROM WAL-MART...

This is why women should not take men shopping against their will.

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most women - she loved to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Wal-Mart:

Dear Mrs. Gilbert,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Gilbert are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras .

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
women's restroom.

4 July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in House wares. Get on it right away.'

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'Caution - Wet Floor' sign to the carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were..

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through yelled, 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed, 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least...

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!'



Sincerely,
Wal-Mart

[Rob]

BANNED FROM WAL-MART...

This is why women should not take men shopping against their will.

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most women - she loved to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Wal-Mart:

Dear Mrs. Gilbert,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Gilbert are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras .

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
women's restroom.

4 July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in House wares. Get on it right away.'

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'Caution - Wet Floor' sign to the carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were..

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through yelled, 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed, 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least...

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!'



Sincerely,
Wal-Mart

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Don't give me any ideas.

Oops. Too late.

[Pathrat]

You do put up some good ones Funrover!

[Mporter]

I got a few laughs in that one.

[Pathrat]

Guy's driving down a back road in Arizona and sees this old Indian man walking along the side of the road. It's hot, so they guy slows down and offers the old man a ride. The old man gets in, doesn't say anything. The young guy driving sees the Indian eying the bottle of wine he has in the cab next to him, half hidden in a paper bag. Young guy says, "Look, that is a really special wine. It's a valuable vintage, I can't let you have it. I got it for my wife". The old Indian man looks at the bottle of wine, then looks at the man driving and says, "Good trade"



* (and this is how the joke was told to me, by a Native American)

[Mporter]

Thats a good one

[Funrover]

:lol:

[Medic-5150]

BANNED FROM WAL-MART...


15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!'



For those that work in retail, this is no joke lol. At Dillard's we've had a big problem with people taking dumps int he fitting room...It's onyl funny if you don't have to clean it up.

[porkchop]

For those that work in retail, this is no joke lol. At Dillard's we've had a big problem with people taking dumps int he fitting room...It's onyl funny if you don't have to clean it up.

thats disturbing but jokes are funny keep em comin :lol::lol::lol::lol:

[porkchop]

a blond, a red head, and a brunette are in a big corperate building. they get in the elevator and start going up the brunette notices something on the wall and sez "whats that" the red head gets a closer look and sez "that looks like, oh no it couldnt be" the blond comes up and licks it off the wall and sez " yep it is but its no one from this building"

[porkchop]

how can you tell if theres been a blond using your computer?......
theres white out on the screen

[Funrover]

Nurses aren't supposed to laugh.....

“I won't laugh," said the nurse. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," said Fred, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest
'man thingy' the nurse had ever seen.

Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than the AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling, and then fell to the floor laughing. Ten minutes later she was able to struggle to her feet and regain her composure.

"I am so sorry," she said. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?'

"It's swollen," Fred replied.
She ran out of the room !

[Funrover]

The Princess
Once upon a time there lived a king.
The king had a beautiful daughter, the PRINCESS.
But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt.
No matter what; metal, wood, stone. Anything she touched would melt.

Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.
The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter?
He consulted his wizards and magicians.

One wizard told the king,
If your daughter touches one thing
that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured."
The king was overjoyed and came up with
a plan.

The next day, he held a competition.
Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would
not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth.

THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.

The first brought a sword of the finest steel.
But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted.
The prince went away sadly.

The second prince brought diamonds.
He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt.
But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted.
He too was sent away disappointed.

The third prince approached. He told the princess, “Put your hand in my pocket and feel
what is in there."
The princess did as she was told, though she turned red.
She felt something hard. She held it in her hand.
And it did not melt!!!

The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed.

And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.

Question: What was in the prince's pants?






M&M's of course.
They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.

What were you thinking??

[Medic-5150]

Nurses aren't supposed to laugh.....

“I won't laugh," said the nurse. "I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," said Fred, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest
'man thingy' the nurse had ever seen.

Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than the AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling, and then fell to the floor laughing. Ten minutes later she was able to struggle to her feet and regain her composure.

"I am so sorry," she said. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?'

"It's swollen," Fred replied.
She ran out of the room !

ahahahahahahahahahahaha

[Medic-5150]

The Princess


Question: What was in the prince's pants?


M&M's of course.
They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.

What were you thinking??

Twinkies of course....they're indestructible!

[Mporter]

For those that work in retail, this is no joke lol. At Dillard's we've had a big problem with people taking dumps int he fitting room...It's onyl funny if you don't have to clean it up.

I work in retail...seen some stupid stuff....but nothing to this extent.

[Medic-5150]

I work in retail...seen some stupid stuff....but nothing to this extent.

It's happened about 3 times in the last month at my store...no call for toilet paper though

[Brody]

There are these two cousins, one has lived in the city all his life and the other one out in the boonies on a farm. They talk and the counry cousin invites his city cousin up for a visit.

He drives and drives and finally reaches his country cousin's farm, which is really out in the sticks. He gets shown around the farm and, later on when they are talking, asks his country cousin if he ever gets lonely:

Lonely?

Yeah, like for a woman's company.

No, not really, I have my pigs.

Your pigs?! come on, you can't mean that you....?

Sure...don't knock it if you haven't tired it.

After a little convincing the city cousin is coerced into grabbing a pig and going out behind the barn to...well...'try it'..

He comes out about 10 minutes later shaking his head:

Disgusting! Absolutely disgusting! I don't see how you can manage to do that!

Wait a minute, his country cousin says...show me which one you picked out.

They go over to the pigsty and the city cousin looks for a moment and then points to this big old sow.

That one there, the big sow with the brown spots..

No damn wonder, the country cousin says. That's the ugliest one of the bunch...

[Mporter]

ewwwwww

[WINKY]

do it like they do on discovery channel.......

(wheres that vomit icon)...... Oh here it is... http://images.zaazu.com/img/vomit-boy01-vomit-puke-sick-smiley-emoticon-000652-large.gif

[Pathrat]

It's happened about 3 times in the last month at my store...no call for toilet paper though

That is so vile. WTF are people thinking???

[Medic-5150]

That is so vile. WTF are people thinking???

I dunno I don't understand how you could walk into a fitting room and be like hmmm...no toilet, no sink, no TP, lets take a dump. We get a lot of people that use the bathrooms as a fitting room....People are strange

[Funrover]

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking.

Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the back entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'

The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'

'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.

'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.

Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.

'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone.

'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying agony for all eternity?' persisted Satan.

'Yep,' was the calm reply.

'And you're still not afraid?' asked Satan.

'Nope,' said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, ' Why aren't you afraid of me?'

The man calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for 48 years...

[Funrover]

Nancy Pelosi was touring the countryside in a chauffeur-driven car.
Suddenly, a cow jumps out into the road, they hit it full on, and the
car comes to a stop. Nancy , in her usual charming manner, says to
the chauffeur: 'You get out and check - you were driving.'

The chauffeur gets out, checks, and reports that the animal is dead
but it was old.

'You were driving; go and tell the farmer,' says Nancy .

Two hours later, the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair
ruffled with a big grin on his face.

'My God, what happened to you?' asks Nancy .

The chauffeur replies: 'When I got there, the farmer opened his best
bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap-up meal and the
daughter made love to me.'

'What on earth did you say?' asks Nancy . 'I just knocked on the door
and when it was answered, I said to them: 'I'm Nancy Pelosi's
chauffeur, and I've just killed the old cow.'

[Funrover]

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

'What are you doing?' she asked.

'I'm waiting for Justin to come home from work.' The daughter-in-law answered.

'But you're naked!' the mother-in-law exclaimed.

'This is my love dress,' the daughter-in-law explained.

'Love dress? But you're naked!'

'Justin loves me to wear this dress,' she explained. 'Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours.'

The mother-in-law left. When she got home she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.

'What are you doing?' he asked.

'This is my love dress,' she whispered, sensually..

'Needs ironing,' he said, 'What's for dinner?'

[Medic-5150]

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

'What are you doing?' she asked.

'I'm waiting for Justin to come home from work.' The daughter-in-law answered.

'But you're naked!' the mother-in-law exclaimed.

'This is my love dress,' the daughter-in-law explained.

'Love dress? But you're naked!'

'Justin loves me to wear this dress,' she explained. 'Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours.'

The mother-in-law left. When she got home she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.

'What are you doing?' he asked.

'This is my love dress,' she whispered, sensually..

'Needs ironing,' he said, 'What's for dinner?'

:lol::lol::lol::lol::lol::lol:

[Funrover]

The Catholic Coffee

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee after mass.
The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a
priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When
he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic man says, "My son is a Cardinal.
When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a
room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four
men gave her a look and said, "Well....?"

She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38 Double D breasts,
24" waist, and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My
God."

[Andrew]

Three women friends, one in a casual relationship, one engaged to be married and one a long-time wife, met for drinks
after work. The conversation eventually drifted towards how best to spice up their sex lives.

After much discussion, they decided to surprise their men by engaging in some S&M role playing.

The following week they met up again to compare notes. Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, "Last
Friday at the end of the work day I went to my boyfriend's office wearing a leather coat. When all the other people
had left, I slipped out of it and all I had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was so
aroused that we made mad passionate love on his desk right then and there!"

The engaged woman giggled and said, "That's pretty much my story! When my fiancé got home last Friday, he found me
waiting for him in a black mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on that we not only
screwed all night, he wants to move up our wedding date!

The married woman put her glass down and said, "I did a lot of planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over
at Grandma's. I took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped into a tight leather bodice,
a black garter belt, black stockings and six-inch stilettos. I finished it off with a black mask. When my husband got
home from work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, 'Hey, Batman, what's for dinner?'"

[Funrover]

ROFLMAO!!! :lol:

[Andrew]

The Washington Post's "Mensa Invitational" once again asked readers to
take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or
changing only one letter, and supply a new definition. Some of these
will put you on the floor! Here are this year's (2005) winners:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the
subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

2. Ignoranus: A person who is both stupid and an *******.

3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until
you realize it was your money in the first place.

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops
bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows
little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of
getting laid.

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the
person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte' : To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

11. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

12. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these
really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's
like, a serious bummer.

13. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day
consuming only things that are good for you.

14. Glibido: All talk and no action.

15. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when
they come at you rapidly.

16. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after
you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

17. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into
your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

18. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in
the fruit you're eating.

[Andrew]

Ellis Rubenfeld, an elderly Jewish man in Florida owned a large farm for several years.
He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.
The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
One evening Ellis decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.
As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"
The old man frowned,
"I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."
Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."


Moral: Old Jewish men can still think fast

[Andrew]

I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not
allow me to take a leave. I thought that maybe if I acted crazy then he would tell me to take a few days off.

So I hung upside down on the ceiling and made funny noises. My
co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing?

I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb so that the Boss
would think I was crazy and give me a few days off.

A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked "What are
you doing ?" I told him I was a light bulb. He said "You are clearly
stressed out. Go home and recuperate for a couple of days".

I jumped down and walked out of the office. When my co-worker (the
blonde) followed me, the Boss asked her"...And where do you think you're going?"








She said, "I'm going home too, I can't work in the dark!"

[Funrover]

:lol:

[Andrew]

Some great one-liners from the late Mitch Hedberg:

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

I bought myself a parrot. The parrot talked. But it did not say, "I'm hungry,"........ so it died.

I would imagine that if you could understand morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a river, and at the last minute I see a photo opportunity of a fish that I have never seen.

I played golf, I'm not good at golf, I never got good at it. I never got a hole in one, but I did hit a guy in one. And that's way more satisfying. You're supposed to yell "fore." But I was too busy mumbling, "there ain't no way that's gonna hit him."

On a traffic light green means go and yellow means yield, but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means hold on, yellow means go ahead, and red means where the f**k did you get that banana?

I tried to walk into Target, but I missed. Damn.

[Andrew]

Californian Moves North

January 10
It’s 5:00 p.m. It’s starting to snow. The first of the season and the first one
the wife and I took our hot buttered rum and sat by the picture window watching the soft flakes drill down, clinging to the trees and covering the ground. It was so beautiful.

January 11
We awoke to a lovely blanket of crystal white snow covering the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Every tree and shrub covered with a beautiful mantle. I shoveled snow for the first time in my life and loved it. I did both the driveway and the sidewalk. Later a snow plow came and accidentally covered up the driveway with compacted snow from the street. The driver waved and smiled. I waved back and shoveled again.

January 12
It snowed an additional 5 inches last night and the temp has dropped to 11 degrees. Several tree limbs have snapped from the snow. I shoveled the drive again. Shortly afterwards the snow plow came again. Now the snow is a brownish gray.

January 13
It warmed enough today to cause slush which froze again when the temp dropped. Bought snow tires for both cars. Fell on my ass in the driveway, $145.00 to a chiropractor. Nothing broken. More snow.

January 14
Still cold as hell. Sold the wife’s car. Bought a 4x4 to get her to work. Slid into a guardrail anyway, considerable damage. Another 6 inches of snow last night. Both vehicles covered with salt and crud. More shoveling for me. The goddamn snow plow came twice today.

January 15
It’s 2 fu**ing degrees outside, More fu**ing snow. Not a tree on our property that hasn’t been damaged. Power was off most of the night. Tried to keep from freezing to death with candles and a kerosene heater, which tipped over and nearly burned the fu**ing house down. Managed to put the flames out but suffered 2nd degree burns on my hands plus lost all my eyelashes and eyebrows. Car slid off the road on the way to the emergency room and totaled it.

January 16
More mother fu**ing, goddamn white shi* keeps coming down. Have to put on all the clothes we own just to get to the fu**ing mailbox. If I ever catch the son-of-***** who drives that fu**ing snowplow, I’ll claw open his chest and rip out his heart. I think he hides around the corner till I shovel. Power still off. Toilet froze. Roof has started to cave in.

January 17
Six more fu**ing inches of fu**ing white shi* and fu**ing sleet and no telling what the fu** else fell last night. I wounded the snowplow ******* with an ice axe, but he got away. Wife left me. The car won’t start. I think I’m going snow blind. I can’t feel my fu**ing toes. Haven’t seen the sun in weeks. More white shi* forecasted. Wind chill is 22 below. I’m moving my ass back to California.

[Mporter]

Haha....so true

[Funrover]

LMAO!!! Go back I will help pack!!! :lol:

[Andrew]

It's funny because I was born and raised in CA and I moved here because I LIKE snow.

The 110° summers are for the birds.

[Funrover]

It's funny because I was born and raised in CA and I moved here because I LIKE snow.

The 110° summers are for the birds.

Heck anything above 80 is a waste

[Andrew]

I'm so with you there.

[Andrew]

A new priest, born and raised in Texas , is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his session

The new priest hears a couple of confessions and then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions

The old priest suggests, 'Cross your arms over your chest, and rub your chin with hand and try saying things like 'yes, I see,' and 'yes, go on,' and 'I understand.'

The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with his hand and repeats all the suggested remarks to the old priest.

The old priest says, 'Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying, 'No s**t...what happened next?'..

[Andrew]

A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing.
When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked, 'What's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird.' 'I had tolio as a child,' he answered. 'You mean polio?' she asked. 'No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes.'
When the groom took off his pants, his bride at once again asked 'What's wrong with your knees? They're all lumpy and deformed!' 'As a child, I also had kneasles,' he explained. 'You mean measles?' she asked. 'No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees.' The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer.
As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear. 'Don't tell me,' she said. 'Let me guess... ? ? ? Smallcox?'

[Funrover]

A new priest, born and raised in Texas , is nervous about hearing confessions, so he asks the older priest to sit in on his session

The new priest hears a couple of confessions and then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions

The old priest suggests, 'Cross your arms over your chest, and rub your chin with hand and try saying things like 'yes, I see,' and 'yes, go on,' and 'I understand.'

The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with his hand and repeats all the suggested remarks to the old priest.

The old priest says, 'Now, don't you think that's a little better than slapping your knee and saying, 'No s**t...what happened next?'..


:lol::lol::lol:

[Mr6dwg]

I heard that they were going to cremate Michael Jackson's body and put the ashes in with Lego blocks. Then the kids could play with him for awhile.

[Andrew]

Mrs. Deardoff is at a new doctors office.

As she is in the exam room, waiting for the doctor to show up, she notices his diploma, and recognizes the name, "Anton Hoffmann, MD" and she remembers that when she was in high school there was an Anton Hoffmann that was a classmate of hers. She thinks, "Gee, now wouldn't it be a coincidence, of after all these years it is the same Anton Hoffmann?"

Just then, she was snapped back into reality when the white haired Dr Hoffmann entered the room and introduced himself. “Oh dear.” she thought, “No, no, no, no, no. This man is far too old to have been the same Anton Hoffmann that I went to high school with.”

Still, curiosity go the better of her and she asked, “Dr Hoffmann, did you by any chance ever live in Indiana?” He said, “Yes, I grew up in Marion, just outside of Muncie.” She then asked, “Did you go to Woodrow Wilson High?” and he said, “Yes, I did.” Then she asked, “Class of 1962?” and again, the answer is “Yes.”

She said “Well, I’ll be, I think I had you is some of my classes!”

“Really!” he exclaims, “What did you teach?”

[Andrew]

HOW TO BE CRUEL TO AN OLD GUY:

Clicky (Probably NSFW) (http://i171.photobucket.com/albums/u308/SoccerRefPhotos/AARPEyeChart.jpg)

[Andrew]

A very pretty young speech therapist was getting nowhere with her Stammerers Action group. She had tried every technique in the book without the slightest success.

Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said 'If any of you can tell me the name of the town where you were born, without stuttering, I will have wild and passionate sex with you until your muscles ache and your eyes water. So, who wants to go first ?'

The Englishman piped up. 'B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham', he said.

'That's no use, Trevor' said the speech therapist, 'Who's next ?'

The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out 'P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-aisley'.

That's no better. There'll be no sex for you, I'm afraid, Hamish.

How about you, Paddy?

The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out 'London'.

Brilliant, Paddy! said the speech therapist and immediately set about living up to her promise.

After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy sex, the couple paused for breath and Paddy added:

'-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry'.

[Andrew]

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington
chemistry mid-term.

The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs
heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1) If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2) If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.

The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct. leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God!"

[Funrover]

A very pretty young speech therapist was getting nowhere with her Stammerers Action group. She had tried every technique in the book without the slightest success.

Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said 'If any of you can tell me the name of the town where you were born, without stuttering, I will have wild and passionate sex with you until your muscles ache and your eyes water. So, who wants to go first ?'

The Englishman piped up. 'B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham', he said.

'That's no use, Trevor' said the speech therapist, 'Who's next ?'

The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out 'P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-aisley'.

That's no better. There'll be no sex for you, I'm afraid, Hamish.

How about you, Paddy?

The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out 'London'.

Brilliant, Paddy! said the speech therapist and immediately set about living up to her promise.

After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy sex, the couple paused for breath and Paddy added:

'-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry'.

:lol::lol::lol:

[Mporter]

Andrew that last one was sheer brilliance

[Medic-5150]

It's funny because I was born and raised in CA and I moved here because I LIKE snow.

The 110° summers are for the birds.

I did the same, and everyone I know back in CA complains about the weather when it's 40.

[Pathrat]

Some great one-liners from the late Mitch Hedberg:
.

WHAT???? THE LATE MITCH HEDBURG???

[Mporter]

WHAT???? THE LATE MITCH HEDBURG???

Where have you been?

[Pathrat]

Heck anything above 80 is a waste


I'm so with you there.

You both have some genetic defect.

Andrew I LOVED the snow one...I was born and raised in CA to age 15 and cold sucks, IMO.
Funrover, great ones as usual :thunb:

[Rob]

HOW TO BE CRUEL TO AN OLD GUY:

Clicky (Probably NSFW) (http://i171.photobucket.com/albums/u308/SoccerRefPhotos/AARPEyeChart.jpg)

Now that's just mean. And I can't find my glasses. :(

[Hypoid]

Now that's just mean. And I can't find my glasses. :(
Ctrl++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++


That is a repost, but one I can still enjoy. :D

[Funrover]

Ctrl++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++


That is a repost, but one I can still enjoy. :D

But you loose clarity when you do that.. It's just not the same :lol:

[Andrew]

WHAT???? THE LATE MITCH HEDBURG???

Yeah he OD'd - died in 2005.

[Rob]

Ctrl++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Man, my arthritic fingers can't hit the + key that many times in a row. :eek:

[Hypoid]

The best commercial ever, definitely NSFW: http://www.m2film.dk/fleggaard/trailer2.swf

A little more background info here: http://tinyurl.com/a9cv3v

[Hypoid]

In case you missed it awhile back: BIKINI BANDITS (http://www.bizreport.com/2007/01/topless_viral_video_hit.html)

[WINKY]

But you loose clarity when you do that.. It's just not the same :lol:


man weve been through this whole part of the thread before....... talk about a relapse in space and time.....:erm:

[1freaky1]

Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite
humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments
made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their
colonoscopies:



1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone
before!'

2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'

6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'

8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'

10. 'Hey Doc, let m e know if you find my dignity.'

11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

12. 'God, now I know why I am not ***.'


And the best one of all:
13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up
there?'

[Mporter]

11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'


Probably my favorite one

[Pathrat]

Great colonoscopy comments, thanks 1freaky1!

[Funrover]

DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." Rancher says, "Okay, but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.


The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, “Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? "

The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased close behind by the rancher's prize bull.

With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get “Horned“ before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....

“Your badge. Show him your ****in BADGE!!!"

...................................
A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower. In the middle of the night the woman leans over, wakes the man and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket." The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea... just for tonight, let's pretend we're married." The woman thinks for a moment. "Why not," she giggles. "Great," he replies, "Get your own damn blanket!"
.................................................. ..............
A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks,"What are these, Dad?" To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex." "Oh I see," replied the boy pensively. Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school." He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package? " The dad replies,"Those are for high school boys, ONE for Friday, ONE for Saturday, and ONE for Sunday." "Cool" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?" "Those are for college men," the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday." "WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack!" With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, "Those are for the married men. ONE for January, ONE for February, ONE for March.........
.................................................. ...........
A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache." "Perfect," her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with aspirin. You can take it orally or as a suppository, it's up to you!"
........................................
A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face. "Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside. He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud. "Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home." The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep. "You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said. "Uh, yes," he said sheepishly. "How did you know?" "You left your wheelchair at the bar again."
..............................................
On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time." He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?" At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season pass?"

[Funrover]

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess
something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He
flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He
shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and
finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just
what do those symbolize?'

The man replied, 'These are Carols.'

[Medic-5150]

ahahahahaha great jokes!

[Andrew]

A couple are preparing for a dinner party. they're planning a pretty fancy spread including escargot which they bought from their local SnailsRus emporium earlier that day. Unfortunately, about an hour or so before the guests are to arrive the wife discovers that the snails are off - the dish is completely ruined unless more raw material can be found at short notice. She rings SnailsRus but they're closed for the evening. She has a brilliant idea and calls the husband in, hands him a bucket and tells him to head down to the local park to pick up some snails from the acres of lush garden beds.

Off he trots to the park and spends a quarter of an hour or so filling the bucket with big juicy specimens. Just as he's about to head home to save the dinner party he spies an old flame who's been jogging in the park. as she jogs past him she recognises her former beau and stops for a chat - as is often the case in stories like this one thing lead to another and they were soon ensconsed in a passionate embrace and much more besides. Time stood still as they rekindled their old, um, feelings. So much so that several hours elapsed before the husband remembered what he was doing in the park in the first place. So, rushing to dress himself and brush off the dirt and grass from rolling in the bushes, he grabbed his bucket of snails and raced back home. When he got home he found the house silent - the party having long since wrapped up and the guests retired. Tip-toe-ing through the front door he tripped over some ill-placed item and went sprawling into the hallway, the bucket and snails along with him and an awful din ensued. Naturally this was the cue for his enraged wife to get out of bed and have it out with him - hearing her moving in the bedroom upstairs he recovered and started to think very very quickly. The wife appeared at the top of the stairs to find her husband crouched in front of a dozens of snails scattered about the hallway entrance shouting to them:

"COME ON BOYS, WE'RE ALMOST THERE!"

[Medic-5150]

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan
desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water,
he hurried toward the oasis, only to find a little old Jewish man at a small
stand, selling ties..

The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They
are only $5.00."

The Taliban shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I need water!
I should kill you, but I must find water first!

"OK," said the old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do not want to
buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that.
If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will
find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold water you need."

Cursing, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead & said...

"Your f****ing brother won't let me in without a tie!"

[Pathrat]

Good one Medic!

[WINKY]

nice!

[Brody]

There was this man who was crossing a busy street in New York City. He gets hit by the cardinal's limousine and ends up in the hospital, where he is says he is paralyzed.

He sues the archdiocise and goes to court. The lawyers for the cardinal can't get anything on the guy, even though they know he is faking his paralysis. They hire detectives and everything else. The jury finally decides to award the guy fifty million dollars, and there he is, strapped to a board in the courtroom.

The lawyer for the cardinal says to him, "You won the fifty million and we know you are faking, so we are going to be watching you all the time, day and night. When you screw up, we are going to make sure you end up in jail. So what good is the fifty million dollars going to do for you strapped to this board?"

The guy says, "I'm going to get a flight to Paris and charter a car to Lourdes. When I get there, I am going pray for a miracle".

[Funrover]

ROFLMAO!!!! That was great Pete

[WINKY]

http://static.funnyjunk.com/pictures/12835_179953682775_503662775_3055386_4534232_n.jpg

[Funrover]

What do you expect from such simple creatures?

* Your last name stays put.
* The garage is all yours.
* Wedding plans take care of themselves.
* Chocolate is just another snack.
* You can never be pregnant.
* You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
* You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
* Car mechanics tell you the truth.
* The world is your urinal.
* * You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
* You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
* Wrinkles add character.
* Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
* People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
* The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
* New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
* One mood all the time.
* Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
* You know stuff about tanks.
* A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
* You can open all your own jars.
* You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
* If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
* Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
* Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
* You almost never have strap problems in public.
* You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
* Everything on your face stays its original color.
* The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
* You only have to shave your face and neck.
* You can play with toys all your life.
* Your belly usually hides your big hips.
* One wallet and one pair of shoes one color for all seasons.
* You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
* You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife.
* You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
* * You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

[Mporter]

* You can open all your own jars.

Although they were all funny....this was the best

[Pathrat]

Funrover....for some reason I feel a bit of envy, heavily flavored with resentment, now that I have been informed of how well you guys have it. It wasn't enough that you own most everything? :p

[Funrover]

Funrover....for some reason I feel a bit of envy, heavily flavored with resentment, now that I have been informed of how well you guys have it. It wasn't enough that you own most everything? :p

:lol::lol:

[4Runninfun]

Top Ten Reasons Men Prefer Guns Over Women

# 10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.

# 9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

# 8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

# 7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

# 6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

# 5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

# 4. Guns function normally every day of the month.

# 3. A gun doesn't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"

# 2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

And the number one reason a gun is favored over a woman

# 1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN.

[4Runninfun]

A man owned a small farm in South Carolina . The South Carolina Wage &
Hours Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them", demanded the Agent.

"Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $400.00 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $300.00 per week plus free room and board. There's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10.00 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

"That's the guy I want to talk to.....the half-wit", says the Agent.

"That would be me", replied the farmer.

[4Runninfun]

A professor at Tyler Jr. College, Tyler Texas was giving a lecture on the
supernatural.

To get a feel for his audience, he asks: "How many people here believe in
ghosts?"

About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well, that's a good start.

"Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have
seen a ghost?"

About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously.

"Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"

About 15 students raise their hand.

"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"

Three students raise their hands.

"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further.

"Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"

Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses and says: "Son, all the
years I've been giving this lecture no one has ever claimed
to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here
and tell us about your experience."

The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and
began to make his way up to the podium.

When he reached the front of the room, the professor
Asks: "So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to have s e x with
a ghost."

Bubba replied: "Shiiiit!! >From way back there I thought you
said "Goats"

[Funrover]

LMAO!! good stuff!

[Funrover]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ollie and Sven were standing on a ridge near a highway in rural Minnesota on the opening day of deer season.

They both saw a trophy-class buck meandering towards them. As Ollie raised his gun to shoot, a funeral procession came slowly by.

Ollie lowered his gun, took off his hat, and stood with his head bowed until the procession was past.

Of course by then, the deer was long gone.

Sven exclaimed "Wow! That was the most sportsmanlike act I've ever seen"! You allowed this trophy buck to escape while showing such compassion and kindness toward someone's dearly departed.

You are a great humanitarian and a shining example to sportsmen throughout the world!

Ollie nodded and said; "...Well, we were married for 42 years".

[Medic-5150]

ahahahaha

[Funrover]

GOOD CLEAN CATHOLIC JOKE



VATICAN HUMOR> After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo,
(and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still
standing on the curb.

'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please
take your seat so we can leave?'

'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me
drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to
drive today.'

'I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose
my job! What if something should happen?' protests the driver,
wishing he'd never gone to work that morning..

'Who's going to tell?' says the Pope with a smile.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in
behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when,
after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the
limo to 205 kph.. (Remember, the Pope is German..)

'Please slow down, Your Holiness!' pleads the worried driver, but
the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

'Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license -- and my job!' moans
the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop
approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his
motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's
stopped a limo going 205 kph.

'So bust him,' says the Chief.

'I don't think we want to do that, he's really important,' said
the cop.

The Chief exclaimed,' All the more reason!'
'No, I mean really important,' said the cop with a bit of
persistence.

The Chief then asked, 'Who do you have there, the mayor?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: ' A senator?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'

Chief: 'The Prime Minister?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'

'Well,' said the Chief, 'who is it?'

Cop: 'I think it's God!'

The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, 'What makes you think
it's God?'

Cop: 'His chauffeur is the Pope!'

[Funrover]

Friendship among women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.

[Medic-5150]

ahahaha this is an awesome thread

[Funrover]

Sven and Ole....on a Flight.


Late one night from the Norway Int'l airport, Sven and Ole phoned their wives back in the States to inform them of their expected time of arrival back home after their Scandinavian vacation.

Sven and Ole then boarded the 4-prop airplane headed back to the States. All was going well until the Captain announced over the PA system that there had been engine trouble in engine number 4, and as a result their arrival time in the States would be pushed back 30 minutes. Sven told Ole that this shouldn't be too much of a problem with his wife, as she was usually not punctual and would probably be late to get him anyway. Ole agreed, and the flight continued.

An hour later the Captain came on the PA system again, announcing that there had now been problems with engine number 1, and as a result the flight would be 60 minutes late in arrival in the States. This time it was Ole who spoke, telling Sven that now there could be a problem with his wife, as she was not an extremely patient person in these matters. Sven consoled Ole by telling him that he could ride home with him and his wife if Ole's wife didn't wait for the late arrival.

At about the same time the two had resolved the issue and drifted off to sleep, the Captain got on the PA system a third time. He announced his apologies, but there now had been troubles with engine 3, and as a result the flight would be 90 minutes late.

It was at this time that Ole looked over at Sven, and in utter dismay announced, "For cryin' out loud. If another engine goes out we'll be up here all night!"

[Mporter]

The pope one is great. Keep em coming

[Pathrat]

Agreed! Good Pope joke!

[Andrew]

Until a child tells you what they are thinking, we can't even begin to imagine how their mind is working.....
Little Zachary was doing very badly in math.
His parents had tried everything...tutors, mentors,
flash cards, special learning centers.
In short, everything they could think of to help his math.

Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him In the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello. Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying.

Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner.

To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before.

This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.

Finally, little Zachary brought home his report Card. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, His Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, Little Zachary got an 'A' in math. She could no longer hold her curiosity.. She went to his room and said, 'Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?' Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no.. 'Well, then,' she replied, Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT WAS IT?'

Little Zachary looked at her and said, 'Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around.'

[Chris]

:lmao:

[Ric]

Q: why is it.. When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute..??

[4Runninfun]

Way to bring back a thread from the dead! Always a good read, :thunb:

[Ric]

Why Some Men Have a Dog And No Wife:


1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.

2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name

3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

4. A dog's parents never visit.

5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

6. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk..

7. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

8. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get
another dog?"

9. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

10. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a
pervert.

11. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just
think it's interesting.

And last, but not least:

12. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.


To test this theory:

Lock your wife and your dog in the garage for an hour.
Then open it and see who's happy to see you.

[Ric]

INTERESTING OBSERVATION

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.
3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
6. The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.


THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:

The higher you go, in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.


There must be a ton of people in Washington playing MARBLES!

[Brad]

Awesome thread!

[Coonburger]

A man and a woman are on their honeymoon. The new wife takes her clothes off and falls back on the bed telling her new husband that she is a virgin and to be easy on her. The man instantly throws his pants on and runs out the door with a look of fear on his face. Later that night the man ended up at his parents place sipping coffee with his father. His father told him " if she aint good enough fer her family , she IS NOT good enough for ours".

[Squshiee1]

ROFL! that was my favorite, AND SO TRUE!